How to be a mature teenager

Parenting teenagers is never easy, but it shouldn’t feel like you’re weathering the “terrible twos” all over again. Yelling and lecturing won’t work with unruly, childish adolescents. If you deal with an immature teenage kid by changing the way you respond to him, you’re more likely to see positive results.

Remember what it was like to be a teenager 6. In the middle of a conflict, it’s easy to forget that you once thought goofing off was more important than taking care of business. Try to get in touch with what’s going on inside his head; empathizing with your teen makes him feel cared for and understood. When you’re communicating in a loving way, your teen is more likely to listen and take what you say to heart 6.

Signs of Maturity in Young Men

Set limits and maintain consistency. The teen years are all about asserting independence and gaining freedom, but kids still need structure. Laying down the ground rules and enforcing consequences creates an atmosphere of respect in your home, but don’t forget to respect your teen in return. If he’s complaining that all of his friends have later curfews than his, consider giving him an extension. Reward him for the things he does right, and he might start acting more his age.

Teach him to be more self-sufficient. If you give your teen more responsibility — and the skills he needs to manage it – he’ll probably start behaving in a more mature manner. Encourage him to find a job so he can learn new skills and bank his savings for college or a car. Show him how to do a load of laundry or cook a simple meal; he’ll begin to appreciate the energy it takes to take care of himself, and he’ll stop expecting you to do everything for him.

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Allow him time to explore. Teens love to just “hang out,” and sometimes there is value in the time your kid spends doing nothing in particular. If he wants to endlessly meander the mall, he probably won’t gain any maturity. If, on the other hand, he’s making a racket in the basement with his guitar, he could be learning a valuable lesson about perseverance. Give your teen the space he needs to make discoveries about himself and life in general.

Let him fail. Maturity comes from learning life’s lessons, and your teen won’t have the opportunity to learn from his mistakes if you solve all of his problems for him or prevent him from taking healthy risks. Support his desire to make some decisions on his own, and then back off a bit. If he wants to skip the school dance because he feels it’s too traditional for his tastes, don’t get into an argument about it. When he’s older, he might look back and realize he missed out by not suiting up and attending with a date; if he does, he’ll know not to make a similar mistake in the future.

Child psychologist Kenneth N. Condrell explains that rebellion is natural when it comes to teens. Let your kid express his growing independence in appropriate ways. If it won’t negatively impact his future, it’s more effective not to fight it. Raising mature teenagers involves more than communication and discipline. Modifying your own immature behaviors is necessary if you want to set the sort of example a teen is more apt to respect and follow.

Warnings

While setting limits can help keep an immature kid in line, Dr. John McKinnon warns against making hollow or extreme threats. If the consequences for his behavior are inappropriate or you don’t make them stick, you’ll lose all credibility. Some teen behavior problems fall outside the realm of what’s normal. Seek counseling for a teenager who is engaging in dangerous activities.

I’m writing about a mature girl (15ish). But I’m not sure how she should act other than being polite. The way I think a mature person would act would be someone who doesn’t swear, but some mature people that I know still do that.

How should I write about a mature girl?

Some ideas I already had:

6 Answers 6

To me, the biggest components of maturity are

a significant level of understanding, based on one’s own experiences or what has been observed;
control over impulsivity and rash or risky actions.

So a mature person is not surprised if a politician is found to be cheating on his wife; affairs among the powerful seem pretty commonplace. Even an observant young girl, with her eyes open, could probably discern this pattern and not be shocked to learn it.

Also, a mature person might still have the impulse to curse out a superior, but control it and be more stoic or careful with what they say or how they respond.

A mature girl might feel the impulse to do something risky or forbidden, but control herself and refrain from it, or refuse to do it.

Maturity is the opposite of Childish. Childish behavior is impulsive and of the moment, it fails to consider consequences and it fails to consider risks, and (related to those) it fails to consider whether a short term gain or pleasure might actually be a terrible thing in the long term.

As Amadeus has stated, impulse control is the greatest attribute of maturity. Additional benefits include.

Being comfortable in your own skin, never acting defensive and falsely humble.
Being Patient
Having Emotional Stability (accepting personal failure without complete collapse)
Being Confident or at least having the courage to fake it till you make it
Seeing the bigger picture
Having Discipline
Knowing your strengths and the limits of those strengths

Maturity is a step along the path to Personal Mastery which is a state where all of the forces and fears of younger life lose all of their power, leaving freedom and opportunity in their wake.

I’d recommend reading up on emotional intelligence. Being high in EI is what I associate with maturity, especially being high in assertiveness.

Goleman lays out the basic traits that make up EI. From Wikipedia:

Self-awareness – the ability to know one’s emotions, strengths, weaknesses, drives, values and goals and recognize their impact on others while using gut feelings to guide decisions.

Self-regulation – involves controlling or redirecting one’s disruptive emotions and impulses and adapting to changing circumstances.

Social skill – managing relationships to move people in the desired direction

Empathy – considering other people’s feelings especially when making decisions

Motivation – being driven to achieve for the sake of achievement

The old adage is, “write what you know.” To add to that (and make it more of an encouragement than a rejection), we can also say, “know what you write.”

Your own personal observation of people and how they interact and live really is your best tool upon which to draw for vivid, life-like characters.

You can’t substitute for that with cut-out descriptions taken from the internet, and you certainly can’t substitute for it by reading a psychology textbook. (I won’t go into a rant here about the defects of psychology, but let’s point out the obvious: most psychologists’ interactions with people do not represent people from all walks of life. You’re dealing with a very limited subset.)

If you want to write REAL characters, REAL stories (or realistic), and grab onto your readers with your writing, you may want to go outside of your comfort zone in talking to people.

Go and talk to some “mature women.” Whatever that means. Talk to people from all walks of life—people living in the streets, people living in posh condos, wandering vagrants, people from foreign countries, people in foreign countries, anybody. See for yourself how they behave and what they do and how they speak and what they think.

It’s a lot more work, but you’ll wind up with your own inimitable style and viewpoint, and what’s more valuable, you’ll wind up with a real knowledge of people and relationships.

Teenage angst comes with the territory of parenting a kid in this age group. Slamming doors, rolling eyes, whining and complaining that life isn’t fair are unfortunate side effects of teenage-itis. However, you can change this dynamic and help your teen grow up by remaining patient and trying to remember how difficult the combination of school, home life and raging hormones was in your own life.

Release Control

Teens test boundaries, but parents can foster their children’s maturity by letting go of some control 3. Choosing the important issues to be firm about while letting go of the need to micromanage their kids’ lives can help parents keep a necessary balance. For example, a no-tolerance policy on drugs and alcohol might be better than fighting over a child dying her hair or painting his fingernails black, according to, according to the KidsHealth website. The American Medical Association recommends to let go of more control as the teen begins to show signs of maturity.

Set Boundaries and Expectations

Just because you’re easing control doesn’t mean teens get free rein over everything in life. According to the American Medical Association, teens thrive on having limits. Additionally, setting expectations can show your teen that you care about him. Having clear expectations can also help motivate kids to meet them. At the same time, talk about what will happen if your teen breaks the rules.

Encourage Independence

As children become more self-sufficient, they might naturally become more mature. Providing plenty of opportunities for independence allows your teen these opportunities 5. For example, give him the opportunity to get up on his own, allow him to take on a summer job or extend curfew to show that your teen can handle these responsibilities. When your child messes up, don’t always bail him out. Sometimes, let him live with the natural consequences of his behavior.

Provide Leadership Opportunities

Giving a teen a leadership role might help her step up her game and become more mature. For example, “ADDitude” magazine, a magazine geared toward parents with attention-deficit disorder or attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder children, suggests having a teen befriending younger kids so he can intuitively take on a leadership role. Other opportunities might include running for a school office, tutoring kids in her class or joining a leadership group for teens.

Improve Self-esteem

Teens might act immature sometimes because they don’t feel good about themselves. By promoting positive self-esteem, you can help your teen recognize her positive characteristics and be more likely to adapt into a more mature person. Let your kids know you are proud of them and make compliments specific about each child so they know you take a personal interest in each one of them and their accomplishments.

Reward Positive Behavior

Although this advice works for toddlers, it is just as effective for teens. During teen years, some teens will try to get their parent’s attention no matter the cost 1. But instead of only paying attention when your teen is making bad decisions, focus on the positive actions that he is making and acknowledge them on the spot. Positive reinforcement should be given immediately after a positive action.

Holden Caulfield is the archetypal American teenager. Or at least he was, way back in the 20 th century. His misadventures, narrated in J.D. Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye, may seem quaint by today’s standards, yet the 17-year-old reveals many of the worrisome traits that we still associate with adolescence. He acts and speaks impulsively, then regrets his actions. He is unfocused, a poor student who gets himself expelled from school. He gets into fights, drinks way too much, solicits a prostitute and gets beat up by her pimp in his seedy hotel room. The best life plan he can come up with is moving west to live as a deaf-mute. He ends up narrating his lonely story from a psychiatric bed.

Most of us would dismiss Holden’s misbehavior as immaturity, but today such immaturity could easily land a teenager in jail. Is Holden—or his modern counterpart—responsible for his poor judgment and impulsivity? Should he be judged and treated like an adult, as many 17-year-olds are in 21 st century America? In short, what does it mean to be a mature person in the eyes of society?

The fields of neuroscience and developmental psychology have made dramatic advances since Holden made his debut in 1949, offering fresh and useful insights into the teenage brain and behavior. And indeed policy analysts and criminal justice experts are turning to these fields for guidance in dealing with problematic adolescents. Central to this enterprise is figuring out just how much brain and behavioral science can tell us about what it means to be a mature human being.

Now two legal scholars offer a valuable overview of what’s known about the maturing brain, and its relevance to public policy and justice concerns. Richard Bonnie of the University of Virginia School of Law and Elizabeth Scott of the Columbia Law School make the case in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science that new scientific insights can and should guide legal decision making about teens as a group, but that it’s far too early to look for scientific assistance in individual judgments.

One problem is that law and science view human development quite differently. As Bonnie and Scott note, the law basically divides people into minors—vulnerable and incompetent—and adults, who are autonomous and responsible. But psychological science has a more nuanced view of adolescence as a separate stage, between childhood and adulthood. This view is supported by neuroscience, which shows that the frontal cortex—the seat of judgment, self-control, and sensible planning—matures very gradually into early adulthood. It is out of sync with the early development of the emotional brain, and as a result there is a gap between early sensation seeking and later self-discipline.

It can be a perilous gap. In short, teenagers are attracted to novel and risky activities, especially with peers, at a time when they lack judgment and the ability to weigh future consequences. But how, specifically, should this scientific insight into teenage risk taking inform policy and legal decisions?

Bonnie and Scott do make some suggestions. Consider teenage drinking, for example, which is a form of sensation seeking and risk taking. It’s been argued that 18-year-olds should be permitted to drink, since they are considered old enough to go to war and assume other adult responsibilities. But the teenage brain is vulnerable to the effects of alcohol, and research has shown that the age at which teens start drinking—and the intensity of this drinking—are strong predictors of alcohol abuse and addiction later in life. These scientific insights argue for maintaining the 21-year-old drinking age, Bonnie and Scott say, and for intensifying efforts to keep teens from taking up drinking at all.

Teen drinking is even more problematic—potentially lethal—when combined with driving. One policy innovation that’s based solidly on behavioral science is so-called “graduated licensing”—which grants driving privileges slowly over time. Since the teenage brain’s executive functions are still “under construction,” many teenage drivers are easily overwhelmed by nighttime conditions, friends in the car, multitasking, and so forth. Graduated licenses don’t permit new drivers to drive in these distracting conditions; those privileges are introduced only as drivers gain experience. Some policy analysts believe this approach should apply to all first licenses issued before age 21.

The juvenile justice system has also been influenced by advances from behavioral science. The central issue for many years has been whether teenagers should be punished as adults or rehabilitated. The pendulum has swung from rehabilitation to harsh punishments and confinement, and recently back again—this time based on science. Specifically, policymakers now realize that immature brains make adolescents less culpable than adults, and thus less deserving of punishment. Criminality is viewed more as a natural developmental process, and less as deficient, anti-social “character.” That is, it’s something that teenagers will likely “mature out of” over time. The U.S. Supreme Court has tacitly acknowledged this emerging view of the teenage brain in at least three recent cases, calling for leniency for teenagers in sentencing decisions.

So back to the confused Holden Caulfield. Should he be held responsible for his two days of anti-social behavior? Was he making mature choices? Is any individual teenager?

This is where the usefulness of the science reaches its limit, Bonnie and Scott argue. For all the recent insights into the adolescent brain—and adolescents as a class—very little can be extrapolated from the science to illuminate individual behavior. Lawyers try to use behavioral science all the time in criminal cases—both prosecutors and defense attorneys—but this practice rests on shaky scientific ground. The research simply does not allow one to measure the maturity of the individual brain. Indeed, Bonnie and Scott, conclude, we do not yet have an accepted understanding of what a mature person looks like.

The analysis by Richard Bonnie and Elizabeth Scott is part of a package of articles on the adolescent brain, which will be published on-line in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science. Wray Herbert’s blogs—“We’re Only Human” and “Full Frontal Psychology”—appear regularly in The Huffington Post.

How to Be a Mature Teenager

Kori Ellis

As parents, we want to protect our kids but we also have to allow them to mature and become responsible adults. However, the current high school dropout rate and general disconnect with today’s teenagers has left some parents wondering how to engage their children, teach them to make mature decisions and help prepare them for the real world.

How to Be a Mature Teenager

After a decade of improvements, the high school graduation rate in America has stalled out in recent years. A national report from Education Week and the Editorial Projects in Education (EPE) Research Center in 2010 found that the nation’s graduation rate had dropped for the second consecutive year. The research indicated that three out of every 10 students in U.S. public schools fail to finish high school with a diploma. In real numbers, that amounts to 1.3 million students every year — more than 7,200 students lost every day.

Gen iY

We consulted Tim Elmore, a speaker and author of more than 25 books who has a special expertise with what he calls “Generation iY” — current teenagers. Elmore founded the international non-profit Growing Leaders to develop young leaders who will transform society.

“For a majority of students, dropping out is not a result of being unable to do school work,” explains Elmore. “Most of them are not slow, troubled or bad kids. They are bored. Teaching methods and school systems do not connect with many of the students from Generation iY (born since 1990). They’ve been conditioned to learn through uploading their own thoughts, to engage in right-brained activities, while schools are forced to download lectures, frequently in a left-brained fashion. There is a clash between learning style and teaching pedagogy.”

Though some troubled teens are lacking support at home, many others are getting too much.

“When we see academically troubled students, it’s usually a result of either abandonment or abundance,” says Elmore “They’ve either had no direction from home, or parents have done too much for them. Today’s kids may never know the innocence and the exploration that we recall from our childhood. Parents rarely let their kids walk to school or use public transportation, and they schedule their day full with piano, soccer, ceramics and gymnastics. Our focus on safety is understandable, but it disables our children from taking calculated risks and learning to fail, both of which help people mature. All the activities we provide are great, but it means all their time is monitored and structured. They often don’t know what to do with free time. They fail to learn to resolve conflict, think for themselves or do real-life problem solving. It’s all virtual— or artificial—maturity.

“Sadly, while our intentions are good, we leave kids without the tools to self-regulate. This is why the average college student is in touch with their mom or dad 11 times a day, and why 80 percent of students return home after college. They are unable to be autonomous adults. While they usually want the autonomy, they may not be ready for the responsibility. This is where our work as parents begins.”

Read about how to fight the pressure to over-schedule your family >>

Rules of engagement

Parents, teachers and caregivers need to engage teens without over-scheduling them in structured activities. The key is to create an environment where they can think for themselves, learn to solve problems, make mature decisions and take responsibility for their actions.

Learn to say “no.” If we allow them, our kids will participate in every sport and extracurricular activity possible. It’s your job as a parent to know when to say “no.” Teach your children to embrace unstructured time.

Disconnect. For your children to mature, they need to take time away from the computer (or TV) screen. Engage them in fun physical activities, meaningful events and face-to-face time with real people.

Eat dinner as a family. Eating dinner together as a family provides an opportunity to learn more about what’s happening in your teen’s life. You might discover problems he/she is having or learn more about your child’s interests.

Set a good example. If you often yell in anger, blow off work when you are tired and overspend on your budget, you can’t expect your teen to establish a strong work ethic and make the right decisions. Practice what you preach.

Learn more about how to raise responsible kids >>

Authentic maturity

For teens who don’t have the best role models at home, it can be much more difficult for them to mature into responsible adults. However, they can teach themselves how to move toward mature adulthood. Elmore believes all teens need to learn the seven marks of maturity.

A mature person is:

Able to keep long-term commitments
Unshaken by flattery or criticism
Possesses a spirit of humility
Makes decisions based on character, not feeling
Expresses gratitude consistently
Knows how to prioritize others before themselves
Seeks wisdom before acting

“Once they recognize what they need, teens should seek out mentors who model the way for them, demonstrating what authentic maturity looks like,” says Elmore. “Students do what students see. Caring adults recognize that while children rarely listen to their elders, they seldom fail to emulate them.”

Teenagers are a famously reckless species. They floor the gas and experiment with drugs and play with guns; according to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention figures, more than 16,000 young people die each year from unintentional injuries. The most common-sense explanation for teens’ carelessness is that their brains just aren’t developed enough to know better. But new research suggests that in the case of some teens, the culprit is just the opposite: the brain matures not too slowly but, perhaps, too quickly.

In a paper just published in PLoS ONE a journal of the Public Library of Science a team led by psychiatrist Gregory Berns of Emory University in Atlanta shows that adolescents who engage in more dangerous activities have white-matter pathways that appear more mature than those of risk-averse youths. White matter is essentially the brain’s wiring the neural strands that connect the various gray-matter regions, where the actual nerve cells reside, that are otherwise independent of one another. Maturation of white matter is important because it increases the brain’s processing speed; nerve impulses travel faster in mature white matter. (See pictures of a diverse group of American teens.)

Berns and his colleagues recruited 91 kids ages 12 to 18 and asked them to fill out a questionnaire about their tendency to engage in behaviors such as driving without a license, having unprotected sex and using drugs. Then they had the kids undergo a relatively new kind of brain scan called diffusion tensor imaging, a type of magnetic resonance imaging that is used to look at dense tissues like white matter. After analyzing the scans, the authors found a strong correlation between how risky the students described their behavior to be and how sophisticated their white matter was. The more mature the look of the brain, the more risk-taking the teenager tended to report.

The results challenge the accepted notion that teens make dumb decisions because their brains are immature. Although previous research has shown that most teens’ gray-matter structures including those involved in decision-making are less advanced than those of adults, as you would expect, until now no one had studied teens’ white matter, which works along with gray matter to produce decisions. The key part of white matter is called myelin, a fatty substance that coats the individual neural strands, or axons, that make up white matter. Myelination of axons begins during childhood and is completed at the end of adolescence, around the mid-20s. Myelination in the frontal lobe the brain region responsible for decision-making happens last, and it was in this region that the brains of risk-seeking teens in the study showed greater development compared with the frontal lobes of their more restrained peers. (See pictures of the college dorm’s evolution.)

Why would kids who take more risks turn out to have more adultlike white matter than other kids? The authors suggest that some risk-taking among adolescents is evidence that they are trying out more adultlike roles. Having unsafe sex and driving too fast may be mistakes, but kids often have to experiment with limits in order to learn how to live within them. Which, in turn, is a sign of maturity. “Adolescents who engage in [risky] behaviors obtain more experience in a variety of domains,” the authors write. “Their more conservative peers, in contrast, do not have as much ‘life experience’ and therefore might be expected to have more immature brains.” (Read “What Makes Teens Tick.”)

Another possible explanation is that some teenagers whose brains develop more quickly than others become uncomfortable with the gap between their biological capabilities and the social rules they must follow as kids. “Precocious development of these [white-matter] tracts may predispose some adolescents to engage in behaviors that society considers too adult in nature for their chronological age,” the authors write. In other words, having a more mature brain may actually spur some kids to seek out new and potentially harmful experiences.

For now, these theories are just speculation, and the researchers concede that the interaction of white and gray matter is so complex that hard conclusions remain elusive. “We have a new piece to the puzzle here,” says Emory’s Monica Capra, one of the study’s authors. “But we don’t have it all together.” (Read more about the mind and body on TIME’s Wellness blog.)

One further x-factor in the study: What if teens weren’t being honest in their self-reports about risky behavior? Berns’ team addressed this question by drug-testing the 91 research subjects. Only nine had actually done drugs in each case, marijuana but eight of those nine admitted their drug use in the survey. No students who tested negative falsely claimed to have tried drugs. The teen brain, it appears, can be often an honest thing even if it’s not always a wise one.

What kind of parent are you? Are you a micro-manager, a sort of helicopter parent, keeping close tabs on your kid’s every move, hovering to ensure his decisions are the right ones, etc?

Recently, a friend of mine introduced me to the concept of “submarine parenting.” Ellen Rogin is the author of Great With Money: 6 Steps to Lifetime Success and Prosperity, and her success and prosperity is not only in money — but also in parenting her teen son and daughter. Ellen’s teens are doing a great job in navigating the stormy waters of adolescence in this chaotic world, so I picked her brain to find out her secret.

Submarine parenting, as she explained it, is to stay out of sight under the surface letting the kids manage their lives as things come up. It’s keeping the proverbial periscope up, so parents are aware how things are going with their teens, how their decisions are turning out, and being available to step in as needed. By maintaining this stance in their teens’ lives, parents empower them to work their way out of problems, issues, decision-making, etc.

Onlookers might see the submarine parent as detached, disengaged, or uninvolved, however the opposite is true. Submarine parents practice “parenting with intention.” Purposely backing off but keeping a hidden eye on their kids’ progress. Purposely giving them the room they need to succeed and to fail and bounce back again.

In Ellen’s case, her kids exhibit confidence, because they know what they can do. And they have the self-assurance and history to try more things, because of what they’ve already accomplished. They’re proud of themselves and know their parents are proud of them too.
When adulthood seeps in they’ll be ready for it, and will continue in the growth vector that’s already set and working.

So what are some ways to use “submarine parenting” with your own kids? Here are five ways to take action with your teen by parenting with intention:

1. Back off on purpose. This isn’t checking out, ignoring, or any other form of apathy or poor parenting. Instead, it’s the exact opposite. By checking their grades, making all their appointments for them, keeping up with their schedules for them, they never develop the skills to do these things themselves.

However, when you leave it to your teen to keep up with these things, and he suffers a setback because he missed something, that’s good. It teaches him to dig his own way out of the consequences that fall as a result of his oversight. This is the natural process of growing up.

How will he grow up if you do everything for him? How will he be successful in the future if he doesn’t learn how to become an adult? Allow your teen to develop. don’t stunt his growth.

2. Let your teen make his own decisions. In my work with my clients, I often see teens in this state of ambivalence between what they believe they want and what the world pressures them to think they need. It’s an extremely stressful place to be. At this point in their lives they should be ready to begin making decisions regardless of their friend’s, or parent’s, or society’s opinion about the decision. If they screw up, good. Pick them back up. They’ll learn from the decision. Experience is still the best teacher.

And sometimes, not addressing their problem is actually a really great move. It leaves the responsibility for solving it in their court. Adolescence is a great opportunity to learn to be an adult and try decision-making skills while still in that safe place with parents. Your teens won’t be there with you forever. Give them the space they need to practice.

3. Talk to your teen with respect, like the adult he is trying so hard to become. When you talk to him like he’s a child, you stop the growing-up process. So discuss things with him in a tone that conveys you’re interested in his opinion. He’ll reach forward to fill the shoes you set before him.

4. Model healthy behavior for your teen to follow. Rather than telling him how you think he should be living his life, put your attention on your own life and the things you enjoy, and your child will emulate what he sees in you, and put his attention on his life and doing things he enjoys.

Show him how to take care of himself by taking care of yourself. Whether through exercise, getting a mentor of your own, good habits, hard work, show your kids what living healthy is. Live it yourself and you’ll be pleased with the changes you’ll see in your child.

You can still be available as a sounding board when needed. Otherwise, keep your attention on yourself and your interests and responsibilities, resisting the urge to micromanage your adolescent’s life. and let him put his own energy on finding his own solutions.

By staying back, and not hounding your teenager with your solutions, you’re communicating to him without words that you have full confidence in his ability to handle his situation.

Not surprisingly, this needs to be consistent since things don’t just change overnight but develop through a process over time. But, over time you’ll notice that he’s handling his own life better and better.

5. Let go of the power struggle. Submarine parents understand that the power struggle is a pattern that needs to be broken. Once parents engage in that struggle, they’ve lost. Picture a game of tug-of-war. Just drop your end of the rope. As a parent, you aren’t in a competition of wills with your teen.

Your role is more like a curator, overseeing his development till he’s ready to go forward on his own. You’ll spare yourself loads of stress if you resist the urge to get caught in the tug-of-war of wills.

It helps some parents to hear that a teen’s behavior is only a symptom of his emotional state, so looking past the behavior and drilling down to what’s behind it can take some of the mystery and disappointment out of your teen’s unexpected behaviors. Sometimes teens will make immature decisions out of their emotional need to move forward, not realizing the decision isn’t necessarily a healthy one.

Rather than reacting to the behavior, it helps to try to understand what he’s trying to accomplish and respond to that.

And often, seeking the help of a professional, such as a mentor like me, can help parents make decisions that foster their teen’s continued development, rather than entering a tug-of-war where everyone is confused and hurt.

Because a mentor isn’t the parent, the autonomy-seeking teen is open to listening to his advice. Teens literally have to learn how to grow up. They’re ready to let go of parent’s direction like a bird ready to fly out of the nest. But they still need to hear counsel from someone as they try out their new skills.

Wise submarine parents set their teen up for future success by putting a mentor in his life to provide safe direction that their teen views as a product of his self-reliance. By doing this, they’re supporting their teen’s desire to gain independence and showing respect for his need to grow up. while still providing the added support he needs to get there.

Submarine parenting isn’t for cowards. It’s a generous and intelligent approach to helping teens navigate the tough times of adolescence and gain independence and confidence for success as adults.

i need help. can somebody help me to become mature. the thing is i cant handle things correctly and i tend to make horrible mistakes. ive lost plenty of friends and even my first love. so please, i need help.

i am also 14 if that clears anything up

8 Answers

How to Be a Mature Teenager

Maturrity is a process. the ideas that the previouse poster gave are good. Unfortunatly we can not just decide to be mature. we grow in matureity and we make mistakes along the way. You can learn from those mistakes. growing up is hard but be assured that everybody (at least that is mature) goes through it.

have you ever watched fruit on a fruit tree grow. There is a process. The tree is bare, gets leaves, flowers, fruit, and then the fruit ripens and the fruit tree is always developed how it should be and perfect for the season. now if you got up in the early spring and found fruit on the tree. that would be weird and scary.

Mature people have traits that show they are mature. Work on being responsible, help around the house, do your best in school, be honest, be a good role model to those younger then you. As you become more responsible and take more charge for your own life you will be developing maturity a little at a time.

You say that you “dont handle things correctly and make horrible mistakes.” I advise you to think things through before responding and if you need help ask for it. Also saying Im sorry goes a long way.

Time works the best. If you get a job that teaches you about a lot of responsibility and learning to work with others. Once you have a job you will have money and you could/should start to pay for some things yourself, even if you don’t need to, only once you earn money and spend it do you understand the value of it. Volunteer to help others in need, you’ll learn compassion and see another side of society. Focus on your grades, they matter when getting into college. Wanting to be mature is probably the best stepping stone, you are already half-way there.

hey I’m having the same problem because I’ve had a difficult background and I’m the youngest in the family my family all think I’m too young or too immature their always having a go at me for it the thing is 2 week ago my first love and myself separated because he didn’t have time for me i later discovered the other night it was because he thought i was really immature i asked him last night if he thinks we could make it work again he said you need to change your outlook on things and change your attitude im now waiting for his answer because i told him i would mature and calm down because my stress levels are high i suffer from panic attacks as well because of it although mainly thats to do with my past anyway he told me like so many other people i dont like been told what to do wich is completly true i dont but i need to change can anyone help me on this one if so please email me thank you so much

hes 18 and im 16 please dont tell me the age is a big diffrence because i alredy know this

Take a deep breath. Everyone makes mistakes. Maturity comes with experience. A lot of adults are immature. some people just don’t get it. but relax, when you think your being immature, just keep your cool. You don’t have to say something, when there is nothing to say. Two things: Responsibility, and biting your tongue. Many underestimate the power of keeping their mouth shut.

The Long Process of Regaining Your Parents’ Trust

How to Be a Mature Teenager

Trust is a funny thing. For the most part, it is freely given, but once it is lost, regaining it can be costly both emotionally and physically. Rebuilding trust once it has been damaged or lost is no easy task. It is not easy for the people who have been let down, and it is certainly not easy (nor should it be) for the person who damaged it. When you factor in things like; respect, authority figures, love and disappointment, the struggle to rebuild can be even harder.

How Long Does it Take to Rebuild Trust?

If you have destroyed a lifetime worth of trust, and it is going to take time and sacrifice on your part to earn it back. As the “trust breaker,” you don’t get to set the timeline for fixing things. The chances are that they will come to trust you again, but it won’t be on your terms.

Are Your Parents Justified in Losing of Trust?

What did you do to lose your parents’ trust? Are they justified? When deciding if they are justified you need to take a big step back to look at what happened. Did you break rules you knew existed? Did you do something they specifically asked you not to? Did you lie, cheat or steal? Did you commit a crime? Did you harm another person or yourself? Did you do something you knew would disappoint or embarrass them? If you were a parent, would you be mad? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” all you can do is wait for them to hand you an olive branch.

You have to sit back and do everything you can think of to show them you are sorry and that you won’t risk losing their trust again should they see fit to give it back to you. In short, you have to bend over backward to be a better more trustworthy you.

Are Your Parents Overreacting to Your Asserting Independence?

Are they overreacting? Is what you did something that would better fall into the category of “value differences”? Is the core of the current problem that you and your parents disagree over a fundamental issue like having sex, maintaining privacy or going to college? Is what “lost their trust” actually you asserting your independence? Be honest here! It is not asserting independence to skip school, sneak out on a date, run away from home, or shoplift.

Asserting independence would be more along the lines of saying, “College isn’t for me!” over and over and then acting on it when the time came. If the issue at hand here is something you and your parents have come to heads over in the past with the only problem being that you stopped talking and started doing, maybe it would be worth it to revisit the issue. You can’t make them trust you, you can’t even make them understand, but you can make your feelings known and in doing so, you may feel a little better.

Parental Emotions at Work in Loss of Trust

When trust is lost, there are a variety of emotions to face in gaining it back. You will have to be prepared to deal with your parents; anger, resentment, disappointment, frustration and hurt. You will also have to address their legitimate feelings of being disrespected, of being taken for granted, and of being used.

What most parents can’t handle is a child who tells them one thing and then does another. They tend to be able to handle a child who openly disagrees with them better than one who lies and makes them believe they are being listened to, when in fact, they are not. The disappointment factor is much lower when your child makes their differing views known, and disappointment is a key component of lost trust.

Getting Back on the Trust Track

To get things back on track with your parents the first thing you need to do is stop trying to control the healing process. You need to accept their anger and fighting them on it is not accepting it.

Even asking to go to a friend’s house before they have made it clear that they are ready to deal with you again is forcing the issue. It is a passive-aggressive way of saying, “Are you over it yet?” That is only going to make matter worse. When they are ready to give you back your freedom, which automatically comes with a small degree of trust, they’ll let you know. Until then in regards to being “stuck at home all the time”, you have to accept that part of what is going on is punishment, and any truly remorseful person accepts their punishment without question.

Keep Doing Everything to Get Their Trust Back

You say you have done everything to get back their trust, and that is a good start. Keep doing “everything” and don’t stop even when they don’t seem to be responding the way you want them to. They are the injured party here and that they are under no obligation to accept your gestures of good will. They don’t even have to factor in your suddenly good behavior when deciding what to do next. Your parents have no faith in you right now and no reason to believe you won’t soon return to the type of behavior you showed before.

Talking to Your Parents With Remorse, Not Self-Pity

When you tell your parents how you feel, make sure you are showing remorse for losing their trust, not anger or self-pity that your freedom has been curtailed. Do not resort to threats of, “you’re not giving me any reason to be good” or say stupid things like, “you are making me have no choice but to sneak around.” Those type of sentiments will not help your case.

Instead, tell them you know you screwed up and did a bad thing. Let them know that you are sorry and that you will do whatever it takes to fix things. Tell them that you are feeling in limbo because they have not given you any indication about what they need from you in order to even try to trust you again.

Then sit back and be prepared to listen to a bunch of stuff you won’t like hearing. Don’t get defensive and don’t turn things in to a fight about how “unfair” or “unreasonable” they are being. You damaged the trust here and you are the one who needs to deal with the fallout. Don’t expect them to rush to closure in order to make you happier. You can’t force trust. You could make it disappear forever.

Mature couples don’t вЂњfall in love,вЂќ they step into it. Love isn’t something you fall for; it’s something you rise for.

Falling denotes lowering oneself, dropping down and being stuck somewhere lower than where you started. You have to get up from falling.

Love isn’t like that вЂ” at least not with people who are doing it right. Immature couples fall; mature couples coast. Because love is either a passing game, or it’s forever. Love is either wrong, or it’s right. A couple is either mature or immature.

How do you know? How can you tell if your relationship is in it for the long haul or the two-month plummet everyone predicted behind your love-obsessed back?

First, it should be easy, from the beginning to end. There are no passionate fights with passionate making up. There’s no obsessive calling, texting or worrying.

There’s no real drama. Because drama is for kids. Drama is for people who don’t know how to have a relationship вЂ” who live by idealistic, preconceived notions that love must be wild and obsessive.

Love is easy. It’s the easiest thing you’ve ever done. It’s the calmest place in your life, the safest blanket you’ve ever worn. It’s something that happens naturally; it doesn’t need to be fought for day in and day out.

When you love someone, and he or sheВ loves you, and there’s no doubt to his or herВ feelings and no doubt to yours, that’s peace of mind. A peace of mind you’ve never had before.. the kind that humbles and revives you.

A mature relationship lives by this peace of mind; immature ones drown in it.

Immature relationships ask questions; mature relationships answer them

Immature relationships are all about doubts. Does he love me? Is she cheating on me? Will we be together in two months?

Mature couplesВ don’t need to ask questions. They already know the answers, and they don’t need reassurance from their partners.

They are comfortable and secure and free of doubt because mature love isn’t about all those small questions, but a comfort in knowing the big one is answered.

Immature relationships leave you wanting something; mature relationships give you what you need

There’s a void in immature relationships, an apparent absence and incessant worry that something’s missing.

It eats away at you when you go to sleep or leave each other for just a few hours. It burns dimly when you’re together, but you wave it off with physical intimacy and constantВ chatter.

Mature relationships have no void. There are no empty spaces or tiny cracks. There is never a feeling that something has been taken away or is leaving with the other person.

The love between the two mature people fills every crack in the fiber of their being they didn’t know they had.

Immature relationships are striving to be one complete person; mature relationships are okay being two

Immature relationships are formed by two incomplete people. They are two halves trying to make one whole.

They are two people looking for something that can’t be found in another person. They dominate each other, force themselves together and make one flawed mesh of a human.

Mature couplesВ never strive to be one. They are two individual people looking to make two better people. The love between the two of them isn’t about making both of them whole again, but more individual.

It’s about pushing each other to pursue their passions, interests and become the best person possible.

Immature relationships lose their drive; mature relationshipsВ make you more motivated

We all get wrapped up in love. It’s easy to spend days in bed and weekends in the hazy world of blankets and kisses.

But eventually, that smothering love is replaced with motivated love вЂ” a type of love that comes when you want to make a life with someone and work hard to get that life. Immature couples never get to this.

They never feel that motivation to leave each other only to come back more successful and more determined to make a life for the two of them.

Immature relationships fightВ overВ text messages; mature relationships are always face-to-face

Fighting is natural; texting is not. Mature couplesВ do not spend their days bickering over a screen.

When they have something to work out, they do it face to face вЂ” where the meanings can’t be misconstrued by emojis and auto correct. Immature couples fuel their relationship with incessant bickering and lengthy messages.

Immature couples see long texts as evidence of their вЂњrelationshipвЂќ and find comfort in spending hours hiding behind their phones. They argue just to argue; mature couples fight for their future.

Immature relationships are about trying to find yourself;В mature relationships already know themselves

Relationships are only for two complete people looking for companionship, yet many incomplete people look for it to complete them. This is when mature relationships and immature ones split.

You can’t have a healthy relationship with two unhealthy people. When you’re trying to use someone to complete you, you’re creating an incomplete relationship.

Immature relationships are threatened by everyone else; mature relationships enjoy meeting other people

There are always going to be people in your life, pasts to each person and surprises behind closed doors.

Mature couples, however, do not feel threatened by strangers and past lovers. They are confident in their love and their partner’s love.

Immature couples find threats in everyone. They’re delusional and paranoid because their love is superficial. They do not have a strong enough foundation to effortlessly glide past all the distractions and threats.

Immature relationships live by preconceived timelines; mature relationships let everything happen naturally

There’s no right or wrong time to move in together. There’s no specific year to get married and definitely not a timeline for your life together.

When you’re in love, things happen at their own pace. You feel things, and you follow your heart.

Immature couples, however, don’t have those feelings, those instincts and those effortless moments. They make up rules and guidelines and assume time is the only thing thatВ makes or breaks their relationship.

Immature relationships judge you on your past; mature relationships help you carry it

We all have a past, and in many cases, one we’re not proud of. We can’t help what happened to people before we knew them. All that matters is how they are now. Immature couples, however, refuse to see beyond the past.

Mature couplesВ don’t just accept one another’s pasts but want to help heal the wounds. They look beyond the mistakes and the flaws toward the beauty in the future together.

How to Be a Mature Teenager

Just because your teen turns 18 doesn’t mean they’re ready to move out of the house and live on their own. Unless you’ve taught them the life skills necessary to live in the real world, there’s a good chance they may struggle to be independent.

In fact, many teens are becoming ‘boomerang kids’ because they lack life skills. They struggle to get by without the financial, physical, and emotional support of their parents.

Here are the basic life skills teens need to successfully gain independence from their parents:

1. Work Skills

Don’t assume that just because your teen made it through school that they’ll be able to hold down a job. The rules of the workforce are quite different from the confines of a high school. Teens need to know how to complete a job application, attend an interview, and follow a supervisor’s instructions.

A part-time job during high school or a summer job can help prepare your teen for the responsibilities of a future career. Additionally, assigning chores and regular household duties can prepare your teen for the working world.

2. Transportation Skills

Just because your teen has a driver’s license doesn’t mean they necessarily have transportation skills. Teens need to know how to get from point A to point B. That may mean knowing how to navigate through rush hour or understanding how to use GPS.

Of course, not all teens know how to drive nor have a driver’s license. In those cases, it’s important for your teen to know how to use public transportation.

And if there’s a chance your teen may need to travel for work, or they plan to leave the state to go to college, knowing how to navigate an unfamiliar city is important.

3. Goal Setting Skills

Whether your teen wants to be healthier or they’re interested in working their way up the corporate ladder, goal setting skills are essential.

Teach your teen how to establish a goal. Then, talk about how to take action toward reaching those goals. A teen who knows how to track his progress is much more likely to stay motivated.

Work on goal setting skills often. Help your teen identify one thing they want to achieve and then assist them in making it happen. With each new goal they attain, they’ll gain confidence in their ability to reach even loftier goals in the future.

4. Emotion Regulation Skills

All the academic skills or athletic talent in the world will only get your child so far in life. It’s important for teens to know how to regulate their emotions, too.

After all, if your teen can’t control their temper, they won’t handle setbacks well. Or, if they can’t manage their anxiety, they may never step outside their comfort zone.

Teach your teen how to deal with uncomfortable emotions in a healthy way. Over time, they’ll gain confidence in their ability to do hard things.

5. The Ability to Deal With Emergencies

When your teen has to deal with an emergency, there will be no time for them to think. Therefore, it is imperative parents take the time to teach their teens how to effectively deal with emergencies while they are at home.

A grease fire, a serious injury, or natural disasters are just a few of the emergencies your teen is likely to encounter at one point or another.

Make sure your teen knows what to do when the power is out or the cell phone towers are down, too. Kids who have grown up with technology often forget that in times of true emergency, electronics aren’t always available.

6. Basic Household Management

While you may be tempted to let your teen off the hook when it comes to chores, it’s essential that your teen knows how to manage a household. Whether they live in a dorm room or they rent an apartment, they’ll need to know some basic skills.

Teach your teen basic meal preparation skills. Make sure they knows how to perform simple repairs, as well as when to call in professional help. Additionally, don’t send them on their way until they know how to do their laundry and properly sanitize a bathroom.

7. Financial Skills

One of the most important skills you’ll ever teach your teen is how to handle money. Unfortunately, many teens leave the house with no idea how to create a budget or how to balance a checkbook. And many of will inevitably find themselves in thousands of dollars of debt in no time.

Spend time teaching your teen basic money management skills. Make sure they knows about the dangers of credit card debt, the risks involved with taking out additional private student loans, and the importance of investing their money. Teaching those skills early on could make a big difference in your child’s overall quality of life and help them build financial security for their future.

Figuring out how to get into the porn industry isn’t always a straightforward and easy question to answer. But we are going to do our best to help give you guidance on some of the recommended ways you can get into porn. By the way, if you haven’t already checked out the post about how to break into the industry, give it a quick read when you have a chance. It’s a comprehensive article that we know has helped others.

Just a heads-up, that most of the porn jobs that we have listed are focused on North America. We do know about opportunities outside of North America from time to time. But in general, the opportunities you’ll see here are focused on the United States and Canada.

If you are in other parts of the world, you’ll want to pay attention to the list of jobs that say “work from home” or “homemade” or “remote”.

Here’s what you need to do to apply to get into porn….

Step 1

Review the current porn jobs (below).

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How to Be a Mature Teenager

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How to Be a Mature Teenager

Most people know the phrase “T is for Teen.” But what does T really mean?

The survey also found that awareness of ratings does not always mean the parent will use ratings when deciding which games to purchase—a finding that could be of some concern. While the ESRB rating system is the most highly enforced rating system in the nation, it is only as good as parents make it.

How to Be a Mature Teenager

We’ve heard time and time again from retailers who witness kids cajoling their parents into buying M-rated titles like Grand Theft Auto. While we don’t advocate censoring games, we do want parents to have the tools they need to make the right decisions for their families. For some, that might be buying Grand Theft Auto V for their 10-year-old and using it as a racing game. For others, that might mean putting a foot down and making the kids wait until the age matches the rating.

Here is the ESRB’s ratings breakdown:

Here’s what we think parents may not know, but probably should:

Not all games are created equal. Halo was given an M-rating for its (unrealistic) blood and strong language; Grand Theft Auto V was given an M-Rating for gratuitous torture, pornography, and racial and gendered slurs.

ESRB ratings do not exactly match up with movie ratings.

Content Categories are what the ESRB uses to designate specific content beyond the base rating. In Mass Effect 3, the Content Categories are Blood, Partial Nudity, Sexual Content, Strong Language, and Violence. This can give parents a clearer idea of what is in the game.

However. It’s important to note that the “Suggestive Themes” indicator in an M-Rated game like Mass Effect is not the same as “Suggestive Themes” in an E10+ game. Categories are given with the base rating in mind. “Suggestive Themes” in a T-Rated game might mean revealing clothing. “Suggestive Themes” in an M-Rated game might mean foreplay (though, to date, video games have far less sexual content than, say, your average TV show).

The best way to navigate these ratings is to get a good handle on two things: 1) what your kids are comfortable with and ready for, and 2) what the game content really is. Watching Let’s Play videos, looking at screenshots, and reading reviews are invaluable. If you’re in the store and your kids already have your wallet out, ask the clerk to tell you what they know—most of the people who work in game stores are happy to share their knowledge, and they might also be willing to look it up for you if they have time.

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Pregnancy is both simple and very complicated. Have you ever wondered exactly how pregnancy happens? If so, the information below should help.

How does pregnancy happen?

Before pregnancy can begin, two important steps need to take place. An egg must be released during ovulation and it must be fertilized by a sperm cell.
From a medical point of view, pregnancy begins when a fertilized egg implants into the wall of the uterus. Pregnancy continues as that egg grows in to an embryo and then a fetus.

The Three Steps of Pregnancy

1. Ovulation: The ovary releases an egg

Hormones associated with the menstrual cycle (period) cause eggs inside the ovaries to mature. Every 28 days or so, one mature egg is released from the ovary. This is called ovulation. After the egg is released, it moves into the fallopian tube where it stays for about 24 hours. If the egg is not fertilized during that time, the egg disintegrates (breaks down) and menstruation (your period) begins 11-16 days later.

2. Fertilization: Sperm meets egg

The mature egg is fertilized when it is joined with a sperm cell. This usually happens after a penis* has ejaculated semen inside a vagina*. Sperm is contained in the semen which travels up the vagina, through the cervix and uterus and into the fallopian tubes. If an egg is less than 24 hours old, it can be fertilized by a sperm.

Fertilization sometimes (but rarely) happens when semen has been ejaculated outside but near the entrance of the vagina. Technology can also be used to fertilize an egg, either by inserting semen into the female’s body (artificial insemination) or by fertilizing an egg outside the body and then placing it into the uterus.

3. Implantation: The fertilized egg attaches to the lining of the uterus and pregnancy begins.

Most eggs are fertilized by sperm while still in the fallopian tube. The fertilized egg then travels down the fallopian tube into the uterus. This can take 1-2 days. When the egg reaches the uterus, it may attach itself to the uterine lining (the endometrium) and pregnancy will begin. Many fertilized eggs are never implanted and are flushed out of the body with the next period.

How do I know when ovulation happens?

The best way to tell when ovulation takes place is to use a fertility awareness method (FAM). If you are not using FAM, it can be hard to tell when you ovulate.
To learn more about FAM, check out our info page [Link].
Ovulation is different for everyone and it can change from cycle to cycle — especially when you are a teenager and your body is still developing.

Useful Tip

Even though an egg can only be fertilized within 24 hours of being released, sperm can live inside the body for up to five days. That means that you can have sex when you’re not ovulating and still become pregnant. In other words, sperm that was ejaculated on Monday could fertilize an egg released on Friday.

Is there a time in my cycle when I can’t get pregnant?

Not really. There are certain times when pregnancy is less likely to happen, like during your period.

How can I avoid becoming pregnant?

If you don’t want to become pregnant, you can use a method of birth control.
For more information on birth control methods, check out the birth control section of this website [Link].

If you have questions about this topic, feel free to contact one of our peer educators. [Link]

*We know that these aren’t the words everyone uses for their bodies (eg. trans folks), and support you using the language that feels best for you.

How to Be a Mature Teenager

Proud dad: Benny McNulty and his son Jake, who has cancelled a Leaving Cert holiday to Spain in favour of a break in Wexford. Photo: Tony Gavin

August 04 2020 02:30 AM

A father has spoken of his pride in his 18-year-old son after he opted not to travel to Spain on a fully paid-for Leaving Cert holiday because of the Covid-19 pandemic.

Benny McNulty’s son, Jake (18), decided instead to take a break with six of his friends in Wexford.

However, it has been estimated that more than 2,000 Leaving Cert and first-year college students will travel overseas in the next three weeks – some to countries not even on Ireland’s Green List – despite the Government advice that people should holiday at home this year.

“Of course, I am proud of him – he’s got his head screwed on straight and decided to go on an Irish break with his friends,” the Kildare father-of two said.

“I have to say that not all young people do have their heads screwed on straight.”

It has been a challenging summer in the McNulty home with Jake having his Leaving Cert exams cancelled and his younger brother Conor (15) having his Junior Cert exams scrapped.

Jake now faces a nervous wait until September to learn his assessed grades from his Leaving Cert. He is hoping to study music at a Dublin college.

“Jake decided that if he couldn’t have a normal holiday out in Spain, he wasn’t going to go,” Mr McNulty said. “Instead, he is heading with his friends to Curracloe in Wexford for a few days.

“I do feel very sorry for young people over everything that has happened this year.

“They’ve had no debs, no Leaving Cert finishing parties, they have missed out on a load of concerts that they had booked tickets for and they were also hoping to go to Electric Picnic, which is off now as well.”

Mr McNulty said that his son is unsure whether he will get a refund on the Spanish break, which was due to go ahead later this month.

“I think they are looking at the loss of the flights – if their plane takes off, I don’t know if they will get a refund.”

Jake now has a construction job until September – and his father said he was very proud of how Jake approached the entire lockdown.

The teenager’s stance was guided by the strong advice relating to foreign travel from both the Government and healthcare chiefs.

Jake and his girlfriend also played their part by staying apart.

“He took it very seriously – his girlfriend and himself decided they should stay apart in the early part of the lockdown, though they chatted on their phones each day.

“He’s a great lad – I’m very proud of him and his brother.”