How to Implement a Bird’s Nest Custody Arrangement

The kid stays put, Mom and Dad move back and forth – bird’s nest custody is a custody arrangement that is growing in popularity.

By John Griffith Updated: July 31, 2019 Categories: Child Custody, FAQs

Among several bird species, the male and female work together to build their nest, forage for food, and feed their young. When the time is right, the babies leave the nest and begin life on their own. Now there’s a custody arrangement gaining popularity. Its name offers a nod to the avian world in its reference to post-divorce parenting: bird’s nest custody. It is a uniquely child-centric approach that is beginning to pick up traction.

Birdnesting: A Custody Arrangement Gaining Popularity

Increasingly, families are finding that shuffling kids back and forth between Mom’s house and Dad’s house isn’t in their children’s best interest. Bird’s nest custody is a co-parenting option that prevents children from having to split their time between their divorced parents’ homes. Instead, the children stay put and the parents alternate moving in and out, “like birds alighting and departing the nest,” according to a Psychology Today article on the topic.

This option works best when the parents are co-parenting, as opposed to an arrangement where one is the custodial parent, the Psychology Today article stated. The divorced parents live in a different home when they aren’t in the family home with their children. That home might be a place of their own, or a second home the divorced parents share.

How a Bird’s Nest Custodial Arrangement Is Reached

Bird’s nest parenting likely originated about 16 years ago, when a Virginia court ruled that the best solution for two young children involved them remaining in their family home, according to an article in The Telegraph.

This is an arrangement that tends to be reached voluntarily by the divorcing couple. However, there is a case of it being court-ordered – a 2003 ruling in Canada made news when the judge “told parents to stop treating their children like ‘Frisbees,’ and imposed bird’s nest custody without either party requesting it.”

However, this case aside, the “bird’s nest” custodial arrangement will not be accepted by the judiciary as a co-parenting option to be ordered without the agreement of the parties as a standard practice. Judges must first be convinced that the approach is in fact in the best interests of the children. There need to be studies done and the approach must be supported and encouraged by the community of child custody evaluators. Even if bird’s nest is accepted by family court judges, the bird’s nest approach would only ever be ordered as a temporary solution used during the pendency of a divorce – perhaps while the family residence is on the market for sale.

If the arrangement were ordered for any extended period of time – over the objection of one of the parents – you would have a scenario where the parents are substantially financially tied to one another for as long as the arrangement lasts. While the best interests of children is always the overarching priority in family court, there are limits to what the Court will entertain.

Divorcing parents with children no doubt have an unbreakable tie when it comes to co-parenting, but they have a right to a clean break when it comes to financial ties. The bird’s nest approach lasting longer than the divorce proceedings extends that financial tie beyond what is contemplated and requested by divorcing parents. For that reason, absent an agreement of the parties, birds’ nest will not be a realistic option as an extended and sustainable co-parenting arrangement.

Prerequisites for This Type of Parenting Plan

There are two foundational prerequisites for a bird’s nest custodial arrangement: adequate financial resources and willingness to put the best interests of the children before selfish motives and animosity. Without both, the plan is destined to fail.

Bird’s nest custody is only practicable when the parents have the collective financial resources to support the arrangement. It is a significant financial sacrifice that, if made, provides a best-case scenario as far as stability for children of divorcing parents.

However, even given adequate financial resources, if the parents cannot set emotions aside and work together amicably, the bird’s nest approach will only serve to foster even more conflict between the parents. Divorces can be contentious and emotional, and bird’s nest custody requires a level of communication and cooperation that some couples simply can’t provide. But in situations where the divorcing parents remain on friendly terms and genuinely desire to make the children’s needs the priority, this is an option.

If you think bird’s nest custody might be a good option for you, here is how to start:

1. First, educate yourself on the approach. How has it worked for other families?
2. Next, work on a budget to determine if it is even feasible to attempt.
3. Draft a plan that includes a schedule and guidelines for implementation. There should be clearly defined boundaries. For instance, if it’s mom’s week at the house with the kids, then dad can’t come over. Each parent should have a “private space” in the house that cannot be accessed by the other parent. There must be clearly defined agreements regarding who pays for what and when.

John Griffith is a partner at Griffith, Young & Lass Family Law, offering assistance and representation that guides their clients through the legal process and helps protect them and their families.

Child custody is one of the most challenging aspects of marriage dissolution proceedings, if not the most perilous part of a divorce case. Time and again, a momentous struggle in a divorce proceeding involves the matter of child custody. The underlying law in every state governing child custody determinations in divorce and post-divorce cases demands that decisions be made based on what is in the best interests of the child.

A type of custodial structure that theoretically can work in any state is one that oftentimes is referred to as “bird’s nest custody.” In addition to understanding what is meant by bird’s nest custody, parents facing the prospect of child custody issues are wise to have a basic knowledge of the pros and cons of this type of structure.

Understanding Child Custody

There are two types of child custody that are at issue in divorce, legal separation, paternity, and post-divorce cases: legal custody and physical custody. Legal custody delineates how the parents will make major life decisions for a child. Legal custody sets forth whether one or both parents will make decisions involving such matters as education, religion, and healthcare.

Physical custody is the second type of custody that comes into play in family law cases. Physical custody focuses on how the parents will provide a home for a child. The issue typically centers around whether one parent will have full physical custody or whether custody will somehow be shared between the parents.

A common custodial arrangement is one in which parents have joint custody, but one of those parents has primary custody. In other words, a child lives a majority of the time at one parent’s house. The other parent exercises what is known as parenting or visitation. This type of structure results in a child going from parent’s home or another as part of the custody arrangement. Bird’s nest custody disrupts this traditional custodial pattern and practice.

Overview of Bird’s Nest Custody

At the foundation of bird’s nest custody is the understanding that a child enjoys a healthier existence when he or she has a more stable life. A fair argument can be made that when a child goes from one parent’s home to another, such a process lessens the stability of that young person’s life.

Bird’s nest custody establishes a structure in which the child always lives or stays in the same residence. Parents move in and out of the residence based on when it is a mother or father’s time to be with a child.

Advantages of Bird’s Nest Custody

As alluded to a moment ago, a key benefit associated with bird’s nest custody is that the arrangement enhances the overall stability of a child. A child is not bounced from one residence to another.

Bird’s nest custody increases the amount of quality time a child has to spend with a parent. A child is not left wasting important parenting time driving or otherwise traveling from one parent’s home to another.

Disadvantages of Bird’s Nest Custody

When it comes to bird’s nest custody, one or both parents might feel a bit off balance because they do not have a consistent residence of their own. Another disadvantage of bird’s nest custody is that the arrangement can prove more costly than traditional arrangements. These expenses occur when each parent maintains his or her own residence in addition to the one in which the child resides on a consistent basis. These expenses can be reduced if parents agree to move in and out of the same house when not with the child. However, many parents shy away from away sharing space with the other parent, even though they are not residing in a particular house at the same time.

Conclusion

Understanding the essential elements of bird’s nest custody, and some of the essential pros and cons associated with it, provides guidance to parents when considering custodial options available to them and their child. Informed parents that understand all options available to them tend to have a better chance of cooperating rather than opposing one another when it comes to a challenging issue like child custody.

When most think of divorced families with children, they think of the children being shuffled to and from one parent’s house to the other. But there is another option–nesting arrangements. A nesting arrangement is when the children stay in the familial home and the parents rotate in and out depending on their placement schedule.

A Creative Divorce Living Arrangement

Nesting arrangements are custody agreements that provide parents with a creative living solution that could benefit the transition period between the start of the divorce process and the point where the parents are moving out and finding their own places to live.

The goal is to maintain stability for the child or children by preventing them from having to live in multiple households. This arrangement is named after birds who leave their babies in the nest while they come and go to gather food.

There are also variations to this arrangement. For example, the parents may remain in the house but live in separate bedrooms. Another variation is that the parents own an apartment that they alternate usage based on the placement schedule.

Nesting and Short-Term Success

Unfortunately, nesting arrangements have not had long-term success. Nesting arrangements depend largely on the parents’ resources, cooperation, and physical locations. Financially, it requires mortgage payment on the homestead, if applicable, along with rent for another apartment, or continuous and repeated hotel fees. For the parents, despite ending the relationship, must continue to share a household, even though not at the same time. Furthermore, it prevents a parent from maintaining independence from their ex-spouse after a divorce, such as if they wish to date again. If a parent does wish to date again, that can lead to tension and arguments in the homestead.

Nesting is more commonly used as a temporary arrangement in the early stages of separation before the divorce is finalized. For instance, parents may implement a nesting arrangement if there are only a couple months left in the school year or a child is moving out to attend college soon.

Nesting Arrangements Require Detailed Guidelines and Boundaries

With neither of the parents permanently living in the house, basic household duties must be clearly defined. For example, who will feed the pets and when? When will laundry be done, and by who? Who will go grocery shopping, and will those costs be split equally between the parties? The parties must divide the labor, both as parents and temporary heads of the household.

The bottom line: Nesting placement arrangements can work, but they’re a lot of work!

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Do you believe “nesting” is a good option for you and your family?

The new trend of “nesting” or “bird nesting” is a transitional, or temporary, arrangement where the children stay in the family home while the parents rotate on- and off-duty by agreement on a prearranged schedule.

In addition to the schedule, a nesting plan will include agreements about the care of the house, finances, communication, parenting, and dating. The period of nesting might be short term, many months, or longer. It helps parents establish a secure foundation of support for their children.

Nesting During Divorce

Nesting during divorce stabilizes the family during the tumultuous time of separation or divorce. Parents also learn and develop important new skills that they will need in their roles as co-parents and while “solo parenting”.

When parents are considering separation or divorce, their biggest worry is most often about the children. Today’s parents are increasingly determined to protect their kids from the potential damage that a high-conflict divorce may cause.

The best parents are willing to set aside their own anger, sadness, fear or guilt in order to make a “safe nest” for their children. Fortunately, there is an alternative to the old-school “broken home”. New approaches such as “conscious uncoupling” and collaborative divorce give us hope that divorce can be respectful and keep the welfare of the family in focus.

In my work as a psychologist and divorce coach, nesting during divorce has helped many of my clients navigate the tumultuous process. I continue to promote the advantages of nesting since my own nesting experience in 1994, when no one had heard of nesting yet.

Nesting during divorce or separation can give you time to figure out the future of your relationship. You may decide to reconcile after respite from the conflict in the marriage. You may move ahead with the divorce, making decisions that will have a lasting impact on you and your family. Nesting allows you to pace this process in a way that keeps you and your children stable.

Nesting During Divorce isn’t for Everyone

First, you need to decide whether nesting makes sense for you and your family. If you think that it is, there are important steps to create a safe and secure home – or nest – for your children, thereby preserving a secure sense of family while you figure out your next steps.

Nesting is not a cookie-cutter approach. You’ll need to create a nesting agreement unique to your situation. Your agreement should reduce the conflict between you and your spouse. It should also reduce the stress for the children. Nesting sets the stage for a cooperative and reasonable divorce process, avoiding court. It also prepares everyone for a new “family under two roofs”.

It can be hard to move in and out of the family home, and nesting parents experience first-hand what their children may experience when they later live in their parents’ two homes.

Nesting During Divorce Could Be an Option for You If:

1. Both of you are willing to develop – perhaps with help from a therapist – a detailed and structured nesting plan that spells out predictable issues and how they will be resolved.
2. The two of you have reasonably good communication, some mutual respect, and trust, and you are willing to work on strengthening these, which requires a commitment by both parents.
3. You can minimize conflict by handling your own emotions outside of the home, without involving the children.
4. You and your spouse are able to make and keep agreements.

Nesting During Divorce Probably Isn’t a Good Option If:

1. You and your spouse don’t or can’t agree to set aside your conflict to make it work.
2. You and your spouse don’t respect each other’s time, property, and parenting approaches.
3. There has been recent domestic violence or a history of coercive control in the marriage.
4. Either of you has an untreated drug abuse or alcohol abuse.

Next Steps

Do you believe nesting is a good option for you and your family? If so, I recommend that you meet with someone who can coach you through the steps of creating a nesting plan. The plan will address your living arrangement options, schedule, finances, and parenting. It should also address predictable issues such as when nesting will end, and what to do when one of you enters a new relationship.

The pain of a failed nesting plan can disappoint and hurt the kids and the family. That is why it is so important that you consider carefully whether nesting during divorce is appropriate for your situation.

Parents often ask me to describe what options they have for their post-divorce living arrangements. In addition to the many ways it is possible for children go back and forth between two residences, there is also the possibility of having children stay in the home they are currently living in while the parents move in and out. This is sometimes described as “the children get the house,” “bird nesting,” or just “nesting.”

The Advantages

• Said to be child-centric: it focuses on the needs of the children.
• Children are able to continue to live in their home for a greater sense of stability.
• Minimizes the difficulty for children of living in two places, like forgetting homework, toys, clothing, or other belongings at the other parent’s home.
• Parents might be better able to handle the experience of moving back and forth between their residences than the children might be.

How It Works
The parents move in and out of the home according to the parenting plan they have established. This might include a situation where one parent spends the night with the children. The other parent comes to the house when the first parent goes to work and is at the home until the working parent comes home, often after dinner. The daytime parent then goes to their “other” residence. This arrangement could change depending on which parent is spending the night with the children.

Alternately, one parent can live in the home with the children for one week, then the other lives with them the following week. This is what as known as a week on/week off arrangement.

In a 2003 case in Ontario, Canada (Greenough v Greenough), the judge court-ordered parents to implement a bird nesting arrangement—which they had not requested—until the hearings on the case could continue.

In the case record, Justice Quinn wrote:

“The court made a bird’s nest custody arrangement in which the children (aged 3 and 5 years) remained in the home, with the mother staying in the home during the week and the father on the weekend. I think that the benefits of a bird’s nest order are best achieved where the children are able to stay in the matrimonial home, particularly if it has been the only residence that they have known…

“Time and time again I have seen cases (and this is one) where the children are being treated as Frisbees. In general, parents do not seem to appreciate the gross disruption to which children are subjected where one of the parents has frequent access. In this regard, I do not believe there must be evidence that the children are suffering before the court is free to act. To me, it is a matter of common sense. At the risk of falling prey to simplistic generalities, I am of the view that, given a choice, I do not see why anyone would select a living arrangement which involved so much movement from house to house.”

Justice Quinn clearly saw the advantages to the children of living in the home they were most familiar with and of having little change in their day-to-day lives, and saw the role of the court as instrumental in advancing this option on behalf of the children.

The Disadvantages

• It is expensive. Unless the parents are able to share the residence in which the children do not live, they are looking at having three residences, one for the children and one for each parent when they are not living with the children.
• It requires a large degree of civility between the parents and the ability to get along and make decisions together. In general, the absence of conflict is the best indicator of resiliency for children, both in a marriage and post-divorce. A bird nesting situation, especially, cannot work if there is conflict. Co-parents who choose this model might consider working with a mediator or other professional who can assist in discussing the fine-tuning necessary to make the arrangement workable.
• It does not take into consideration what would happen when one or both parents enter a new relationship. Even before this aspect of “moving on” occurs post-divorce, both parents often need to individuate from each other and establish separate lives in order to disentangle from the marriage relationship they had with each other. Bird nesting does not adequately foster this aspect of divorcing.
• House rules: in order for parents’ movements to occur in a non-disruptive manner, both parents would need to have similar rules and house cleaning sensibilities. “House rules” need to be established to avoid creating a situation where children need to remember which rules are in place on which days, or at which times, depending on which parent is “on.”

These lists are not exhaustive. Clearly, bird nesting is not for everyone. The question remains whether it is for even doable for a small percentage of divorcing families. We do know that when parents live in close proximity to each other, when the children have easy access between homes, and are not subject to ongoing conflict, children of divorced families are quite resilient and do as well as children from families where there is no divorce. This might be a solution that is just shy of bird nesting: good neighbors.

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What to Know About Bird’s Nest Parenting

If you divorcing with children, you may be concerned about child custody matters and how they affect your kids’ well-being. You may have heard stories of children being shuffled from one home to another. This stressful routine can lead to missing personal items, lost homework, and frazzled parents who are unaware of the schedules the other parent has set. The children do poorly in school. Everyone is confused.

Children thrive on routine, which is why parents seek stability after a divorce. They want to minimize the effects of the split as much as possible. Now they can, with a new type of child custody arrangement that has gained popularity in recent years.

Bird’s nest parenting is a custody arrangement that is focused on the children. Instead of the children being shuffled around, the parents are the ones who come in and out of the home. The children stay put in one home—most likely, the marital home—while the parents take turns staying there and taking care of the kids.

For example, the mom will have a set schedule in which she stays in the home. Once it is the dad’s turn, she goes back to her primary home while Dad stays with the kids in the central home. Once he is done, he goes to his primary home and Mom is back in the home with the kids. Repeat.

This type of custody offers a sensible approach. It keeps the children in one place. They have a sense of stability. They keep the same routine. There is no need to move or switch schools. They live life like they did before the divorce, except that they have one parent staying with them at a time, rather than two. This can be a temporary arrangement or a permanent one, depending on how well it works for the parents.

Bird’s nest parenting is not for everyone, though. Everybody needs to be on board for it to work, and with nasty divorce battles, sometimes the parents are not able to communicate well. There needs to be a joint custody agreement in place. Plus, the parents would have to live close by. Would bird’s nest parenting work well for you and your children? Read on to learn about the pros and cons.

Pros of Bird’s Nest Parenting

The biggest benefit of bird’s nest parenting is that it offers stability for the children . It makes things easier for the parents, as they do not have to buy multiple sets of clothing, toiletries, and toys for the kids.

If you and your ex-spouse share a home after a divorce, this custody arrangement could be financially viable. You could simply rent a studio apartment that you take turns living in.

Bird’s nest parenting allows both the kids and parents to adapt to change gradually. It is less stressful for all involved. The kids get to stay put and continue with their same routines. No need to move and make new friends.

Cons of Bird’s Nest Parenting

A possible disadvantage of bird’s nest parenting is that it may require a total of three separate residences, rather than the usual two. There would need to be a central home for the kids, a home for the father and one for the mother. It is possible for the parents to share one home, since one will always be at the other home with the kids.

Because of this, the parents need to be on friendly terms. If there are still feelings of anger and resentment, and the couple can not communicate well, this type of situation will only make matters worse.

This arrangement requires a strict plan and schedule. Both parents must implement the same child-rearing and discipline techniques. The rules must be clear and both parents must abide by them in order for this arrangement to work. This means that both parents must be able to communicate without conflict.

Bird’s nest parenting can be complicated when the parents have new partners. It is not a good idea to have the partners stay in the home with the children, so there will need to be ground rules as to when the parents can spend time with their partners

What to Consider

If you are considering bird’s nest parenting, it may be a good idea to talk to a family who has done it. Was it successful? If so, think about how you might be able to make it work. Do you have the finances to do so? If not, can you and your ex-spouse live together amicably?

It is important to have guidelines in place. Who pays for what? There should be clear division of expenses. Remember, you are divorced now, so Mom and Dad should not be together at the home at the same time, except when they are coming and going. There should be other rules in place regarding discipline and schedules. Everything should be clear so there is no miscommunication.

Making bird’s nest parenting work is not easy. Communication is key, and many divorced couples simply are not on good enough terms to implement this type of custody arrangement with ease.

Seek Legal Help

If you and your ex-spouse share custody of the children and can communicate well, bird’s nest parenting may be a viable solution. It may require more money than the typical arrangement, though, which can be a burden after a divorce when money is often tight.

Discuss the pros and cons with the other parent. Then talk it over with Palm Beach divorce attorney Scott J. Stadler . He can advise you of your child custody options. Schedule a consultation today by calling (954) 346-6464.

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• Legal Custody
• Joint Residential Custody
• Shared Residential Custody
• Sole Residential Custody
• Bird Nesting

Establishing the best custody arrangements for a child must be accomplished on a case by cases basis, according to the American Bar Association Section of Family Law 2. What is ideal for a child — and parents — in one case may be inappropriate in another situation. All state laws recognize a variety of options when determining custody arrangements for a child. These statutes permit parents to attempt to negotiate and agree to an appropriate custody arrangement. Failing to reach such an agreement, the court establishes a custody scheme the judge deems most appropriate.

Legal Custody

Legal custody refers to that element of a custodial arrangement or order addressing how major life decisions will be made for a child, according to Cornell Law School 1. Sole legal custody exists when only parent obtains authority to make decisions for a child. Joint legal custody represents the situation in which both parents share equally in decision making for the minor. Major life decisions include matters associated with religion, education and health care.

Joint legal custody is the best arrangement in circumstances where both are in a position to make responsible decisions for the child. Sole legal custody is preferable when only one parent reasonable can make meaningful decisions. For example, if one parent is incarcerated, in poor health or labors under an addiction, sole custody is a preferred arrangement.

Family/Kids, Relationships

Missouri governor Jay Nixon currently has a bill on his desk regarding shared parenting and parental equality after divorce. If he signs it, Missouri will join the list of states with child custody laws supportive of children experiencing the continued involvement of both of their parents after divorce or separation.

For decades it was assumed that “suitcase children,” who moved between separated parents’ homes each week, fared worse than their counterparts who lived with a single parent (usually the mother). However, recent research overwhelmingly supports joint custody, indicating that the benefits of maintaining close relationships with both parents outweigh any additional stresses from a mobile or complex living situation.

Shared parenting

“Shared parenting” has replaced the term “joint custody” as it shifts the focus to the child and eliminates the connotations of winning and ownership attached to “custody.” In a shared parenting situation, parental rights and responsibilities are allocated to both parents. In most shared parenting arrangements, the children regularly and frequently move between parents’ homes. The kids attend the same school and maintain their regular schedule of sports and social activities regardless of which house they happen to be sleeping at on a given night. Obviously both parents must live within commuting distance of each other to make such arrangements work.

Shared parenting requires both parents to be involved in the physical and legal care of the children, but it does not necessarily mean an equal, 50/50 division of time or child support. These and other significant aspects of parenting must be specifically addressed in a parenting plan, which may need to be revisited as circumstances change and children grow. A parenting plan should identify how—or who—makes final decisions about the child and how information will be shared between parents. It could also spell out transportation and safety guidelines and set rules for contact with new partners and extended family, among other things.

Suitcase kids

While shared parenting has documented benefits, the issue of where children will sleep each night is still a big concern. The most common shared parenting arrangements aim for children to spend an equal amount of time with both parents. Two common scenarios are:

Alternate weeks: The most straightforward from a scheduling perspective, this schedule is often easiest for parents. Teens may also prefer this schedule, which they can keep straight in their heads, but this arrangement may involve more lengthy separations than some small children are comfortable with.

Two-Two-Three: While the logistics of this most mobile arrangement can be a headache, this schedule can be the least stressful option for young children, to whom a week away from Mom or Dad can seem like a lifetime. The two-two-three arrangement alternates each week. In the first week, the child spends Monday and Tuesday with Mom, Wednesday and Thursday with Dad, and Friday through Sunday back with Mom. The schedule flips the following week, giving Dad Monday and Tuesday and the weekend.

Bird nesting

Far less common, but growing in popularity, is the idea of “bird nesting,” which puts the burden of mobility on the parents rather than the children. In a bird-nest arrangement, children remain in the family home at all times—it’s the parents who come and go according to an agreed upon schedule. The arrangement, which requires parents not only to agree on major parenting issues but also on more mundane aspects of housekeeping, can be quite complicated to implement. Depending on the specific arrangement, it can result in major expenses (with the parents maintaining three homes instead of two) or savings (as when one parent only spends a few days each month at the bird-nest house and can stay in a much smaller home the rest of the time). Regardless of the challenges, bird nesting is an arrangement that appeals to parents who want to minimize their divorce’s disruption of their children’s lives.

Bottom line

After a marriage fails, it is challenging, to say the least, to continue in the long-term partnership of parenting. But whatever the legal arrangement, joint custody works best when both parents act like grownups. Even when everyone is acting with the children’s best interests at heart, legal assistance may be required to reach agreement on significant issues and to ensure that the parenting plan is legal and complete.

Divorce is a hard process and perhaps nobody knows this better than the children of divorced parents, who can find themselves caught up in a situation over which they have little control facing an uncertain future. Whilst their emotional lives may be going through turmoil, they also have to contend with the idea that their everyday lives will change, whether that is not seeing one of their parents on a daily basis or moving to a different house or location. Historically there was usually a set plan regarding child custody. In the absence of any glaring reason not to, the mother was granted custodial custody of the children with the father being granted visiting rights. Fathers would see their children every weekend or every other weekend and perhaps for some time during the holidays. In the last decade or so there has been a much bigger shift to a shared custodial arrangement whereby the children spend almost equal time with each parent (or a substantial amount of time with the “non-custodial parent”), moving between their homes. There were many reasons for this shift including fathers being more involved in childrearing and research showing that the involvement of two parents had psychological benefits for the child. As divorce levels rise, people are becoming a lot more innovative about custodial arrangements

When Daria and David finally decided that their marriage was over they were determined that their divorce would have as little negative disruption on their children as possible. Daria and David decided to give “nesting” a try. Nesting is a relatively new and creative idea in the arena of child custody arrangements. It is called nesting because the children stay in the home while the parents are the ones who leave and return, similar to parent birds who come and go from the nest leaving the baby birds in situ. The concept is based on the idea of shared custody. Shared custody has the advantage that both parents continue to have a close bond with their children and are involved in their everyday lives, but it has a disadvantage of a disruptive effect on the children’s living arrangements as the children shuttle between their parents’ homes. The idea of nesting is that the children stay put in the marital home ensuring their security while it is the parents moving in and out of the house when it is their time with the children.

Daria and David decided on a week each with the handover day being on Sunday. They rented a small flat near their house which the parent without the children would stay in. Daria explained, “We wanted stability for our children in a difficult time. We didn’t want the children to have to constantly pack themselves up. As it was our decision to divorce we felt that we should take the brunt of the moving about”. David added that financially they didn’t have enough money to keep their home and buy a second one which would be suitable for the children, sustaining one household and a small apartment was a lot cheaper.

The advantages for the children mean that they have a feeling of permanence, their environment does not change and they don’t have to remember all their belongings and books each time they move. The sense of routine can be extremely helpful to the children at a time of change and turbulence. It can be great for the children to see their parents co-operating for their sake, and ultimately the children benefit by maintaining a close relationship with both parents in a familiar environment. For the parents, the financial aspects may also be attractive.

However there are downsides in the nesting process. Children may find it hard to accept the end of their parents’ marriage where there is such close co-operation. It also takes a huge effort on the part of the parents to make this arrangement work. Grocery shopping and household chores can be flash points. Where the parents are constantly arguing this arrangement can be more damaging then shared custody where there is little contact between he parents. The lack of privacy can also be an issue, and where one or both of the parents finds a new partner this can make the arrangement impractical . Nesting only works where there is full co-operation between the parents. Many times couples start off wanting an amicable divorce but animosity can set in when the financial settlement is discussed which can make the nesting process difficult, even unsustainable. In any event nesting is usually for a specified time and there needs to be an agreed arrangement in place for when the nesting ends.

Daria and David worked very hard at making nesting work for their family and, although they hit many bumps along the way, they continued the arrangement for 18 months until David found a new partner. At this point they moved to a traditional shared custody arrangement with the children moving between two homes. Both David and Daria agree that although the nesting period was limited and hard, they feel that it has greatly benefitted their children as it provided them with a haven at a time of great uncertainty and change in their lives. Both parents felt that two years post-separation the children were in a better place emotionally to deal with moving between their homes. Daria added that she felt that having been through the frustrations of moving between two homes, she now understood the challenges of moving between homes. “Parents should walk in their kids’ shoes,” said Joseph S. Mattina a previous New York State Supreme Court justice, who once ordered nesting, with the consent of both parents, because he thought it was important for parents to understand the dislocation that kids often go through in divorce.

Nesting is an idea which takes a lot of co-operation and although there have been rare court ordered nesting arrangements (in the US and Canada) it is mainly thought of as a custody arrangement that would have to be with the consent of both parents. Despite nesting still being an atypical arrangement, as collaborative divorces and mediated divorces come up with more creative child custody arrangements, there has been a lot more interest in the idea of nesting in the immediate period post-divorce. Nesting is certainly not for all couples as it requires a large amount of give and take at a very turbulent time, but for those who can, it definitely appears to be an option , albeit for a specific period of time, that could lend a sense of security to their children during a very uncertain time.

There’s no doubt that a child custody battle in New York can cause turmoil in a lot of adjustments in the lives of parents and children. In some cases, parents living in separate homes may not be the best solution for the family. One alternative to typical custody arrangements is known as a bird’s nest plan or simply “nesting”.

In this structure, children stay in the family home while both parents move in and out on a set schedule. This can help to reduce some of the problems associated with lack of stability and consistency during a typical divorce, but it can be difficult to carry out in practice without special planning. Nesting isn’t something a New York Court will order, but it may have appeal where both parents have alternate places to stay in addition to the family residence. Where parents want to cause the least amount of disruption to the children’s lives and they are willing to assume a measure of inconvenience on themselves, nesting may make sense. It also offers the parents an opportunity to remain involved parents and to begin a new life as a single person. I’ve had firsthand experience with nesting and did it with my Ex-Wife for several years and would be happy to discuss the advantages and disadvantages.

There are unique challenges associated with this type of custody situation. For example, parents will need to be clear about communication and expectations of privacy, in addition to clarifying rules such as whether others will be allowed to stay in the family home as well. One or both parents may also need their own residence outside of the family home, so it’s important to understand the financial implications of setting up this kind of child custody arrangement in New York and elsewhere.

If both parties have sufficient financial resources to manage several residences, an agreeable relationship between former spouses that is focused on positive communication and respect, and if both parties have relatively even parenting time under this arrangement, a bird’s nest situation can work in New York. Weigh all of the benefits and possible disadvantages before committing to a unique child custody solution.

When it comes to child custody, every family has their own ways of making it work. From swapping weekends, holidays, christmases, pick ups, and so forth— you each have things that make your agreement unique. One of the most jarring things about child custody swaps, is moving your child from one home to another on a regular basis. For some families, this just doesn’t feel like the right way to do things. Therefore, a certain agreement, called the birds nest agreement, has become popular for many families. So, we’re going to break it down for you, and help you decide whether this is just the move your family has been looking for.

Birds Nest Agreement: Will it Work for Me?

What is a birds nest agreement?

A birds nest agreement is where you have one home for the each of you: one for Mom, Dad, and Child. In a birds nest agreement, the two parents will swap off time spent in the ‘birds nest’ when it’s their time for custody. In short, whoever has the custody time, will be in the house while the other parent will stay in their respective home. Each member has their own home, and both parents share the responsibilities of the third home.

What is negative about this?

Of course, the idea of having a third dwelling seems, and absolutely is, extremely costly. You have to maintain three rents/mortgages. In short, this option isn’t necessarily cost-efficient for anyone involved.

Furthermore, this agreement can also seriously hinder a new relationship if you’re in one. You aren’t in your own home for half off the time, you share a space with your former spouse, and your time is more divided than it would be in any other situation. However, if this is important to you, it’s just another bump along the way for your relationship.

However, there are plenty of positives

One: you solve the biggest issue for divorced parents, going back and forth between pick ups and drops offs. Your kid doesn’t have to shuffle their belongings, school work, and themselves between one home and the other. This option is stable, and skips some of the hardest things about a child custody agreement. Communication can be easy to maintain through a common calendar, white board, or other things throughout the house.

All in all, it’s an expensive, yet stable option

This type of agreement has it’s fair share of ups and down— as does any agreement. Ultimately, this would be a really nice option for anyone who has the financial ability to do so, and the flexibility to move from spot to spot on a regular basis. Every custody agreement is different, and each family needs something different— which makes this a viable option.