How to Take an Autistic Child to a Restaurant

Last Updated: September 19, 2020 References

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As a parent of an autistic child (or any child for that matter), it can be nerve-wracking to organize a family vacation. You may worry about potential meltdowns, issues with new settings and people, and other problems that may arise. However, with some prior planning, you, your child, and your whole family can have a fun vacation.

Tip: Ask for accommodation before it’s needed. Being prepared will reduce the risk of a meltdown or shutdown.

Tip: If your vacation requires weather-specific clothing, like swimsuits or snow clothes, set aside time for your child to try on these clothes to make sure they still fit and are comfortable. Try to avoid buying new clothing if possible, since it may be overwhelming to your child. [13] X Trustworthy Source Understood Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia Go to source

Tip: If your child needs more stimulation, keep sensory tools or active toys (like sports balls or jump ropes) in the car so that they can have some playtime during the breaks. [15] X Trustworthy Source Understood Nonprofit organization dedicated to resources and support to people with thinking differences, such as ADHD or dyslexia Go to source

The thing about parenting an autistic child is that it’s easy to forget how unique your universe is. At home, the endless rules and rituals dictated by my 13-year-old son Nate’s disability feel natural. Not easy, but natural.

But when our family goes out for dinner, all hell can, and often does, break loose. Though Nate has made enormous strides since he started attending The Boston Higashi School, eating out is a break in routine, and if something unexpected happens, the experience can be pretty unappetizing. This past April, I took Nate and my son Joey, 8, to a local kid-friendly place. I ordered Nate’s burger (he always wants the same thing when we eat out) as soon as we sat down—and then came the inevitable curveball. The burger arrived almost raw. I sent it back to be cooked more, but all Nate processed was that one second his burger was there and the next someone had taken it away. He jumped up angrily from his chair, followed the waiter into the kitchen and grabbed his plate back. At other restaurants, Nate has licked buffet utensils and thrown tantrums when the wait for a table is too long.

It was with families like mine in mind that Alexandra Abend set out to organize Autism Family Night in restaurants. Alex, 16, has an 8-year-old autistic brother. “We were at some little restaurant,” she recalls, “when my brother started completely freaking out, pulling his hair, trying to bang his head on the table, pulling my dad’s hair, biting. I overheard this man behind us say, ‘Why can’t they be better parents?'”

While attending Take The Lead, a leadership program for female teens at Mount Holyoke College, Alex was asked to create a program based on something she felt strongly about. “I asked my mom what she would want, and she said, ‘Maybe a restaurant, an amusement park, a trip where people aren’t going to be looking at us thinking, ‘Why can’t you control your child?'”

Alex approached T.G.I. Friday’s, which has a family-friendly reputation, with her proposal, and hoped that perhaps a few restaurants in her native New Jersey would consider it. When 35 T.G.I. Friday’s signed on, Alex was floored. Says Bill Brayer, a vice president of operations for T.G.I. Friday’s, “When Alex first contacted me I thought it was a great idea and unique for a 16-year-old girl to put something like this together. Our Long Island area restaurants have supported autism in the past pretty heavily so this was a great opportunity to extend what we’ve already done and to support someone like Alex.”

Alex e-mailed the restaurant managers so they could prepare the staff for what to expect. “I came up with a list that said what autism is, what might happen and how to handle it. You can’t keep the noise down in a restaurant but maybe not play the music so loud, be patient and if a child is having an episode get the parents the check as quick as possible.”

The night of the event on April 17, Alex and her family attended a T.G.I. Friday’s near her hometown of Warren. Some of the restaurants reported higher than usual attendance for a Tuesday night. One mother of a 17-year-old autistic boy came up to thank Alex and then burst into tears telling her how wonderful it was to be able to go out to a restaurant with her son and not have people make comments. She told Alex she would never forget that evening.

After the event Alex received even more e-mails thanking her. But what she remembers most from that night is this: “My brother was facing the entire restaurant, he flipped out, he had one of his episodes. My dad had to carry him out and calm him down. It was kind of like what happened the other time, except no one was really looking at him and saying, ‘What’s wrong with your child? Why is he acting like that?’ Instead, people asked, ‘Are you okay? Do you need anything?'”

• Before eating out with your child
• Once you’re at the restaurant
• Teaching your child to behave at restaurants

It’s easy to see why many parents of young children avoid restaurants and prefer to eat at home, where a lot of noise and thrown food will bother only members of the immediate family. But sometimes it’s necessary – and even fun – to eat out. Here are some tips to help everyone have a good time.

Before eating out with your child

Pick a kid-friendly restaurant. Look for restaurants that cater to families, or at least for places that are casual and loud enough to let your child blend in. Fast-food restaurants can be tempting for exactly this reason, but they aren’t the best option for encouraging healthy food choices. Buffets are great – kids have plenty of choices, you can serve age-appropriate portions, and your child can taste-test new foods. Plus everyone is walking around, so it doesn’t matter how many times you and your child get up.

Call ahead if your child has dietary restrictions. If your child has food allergies or sensitivities, confirm before you go that the restaurant is able to accommodate these restrictions. Also ask how the kitchen avoids cross-contamination, which studies have shown is common in the food industry, particularly with foods that are supposed to be gluten-free.

Go early. Avoid crowds by arriving on the early side of mealtimes. That way you’ll get seated and served more quickly. Picking a place that takes reservations also cuts down on wait time.

Pack quiet toys and snacks. Bring reliable amusements, such as favorite books, games, and quiet toys that will hold your child’s interest while you wait for food or others are finishing up. Throw in some snacks in case the food is slow to arrive or your child rejects it.

Decide on your technology policy. Different families have different rules about using technology at the table. Before you leave home, tell your child what you’ll allow at a restaurant, and be consistent. Once you’ve used technology to entertain your child at a restaurant, he’ll likely expect it the next time you eat out.

Keep in mind that, for preschoolers, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends no screen time during meals and one hour or less of high-quality programming per day, preferably viewed with a parent or caregiver.

Once you’re at the restaurant

Order kid-friendly food. This is not the time to spring something new on your child if she’s a picky eater. Stick with recognizable favorites, ask how things are prepared, and order from the kids’ menu, if there is one. (This is an opportunity to help your child make healthy food choices and recognize appropriate portions.) Let the server know if your child is sensitive to spices, and ask for milder versions if so.

Keep it moving. To save time, skip the appetizers and go straight for the entrees. If your child seems especially hungry, ask if your server can bring out your child’s dish first. If not, request some bread, cut fruit, or raw vegetables for your child to munch on while waiting.

Be considerate. If your child is disturbing other diners, ask for the check, pack up, and leave without fanfare. You can always try again another time.

Show your appreciation. If your child makes a big mess or the server has to give your table a lot of extra attention, express your gratitude with a heartfelt thank-you and generous tip. As a bonus, tell the manager how much you appreciate the server’s help.

Teaching your child to behave at restaurants

Practice before you go. If you consistently model and expect age-appropriate table manners at home, you’re more likely to see your child behave the same way when dining out. To prevent surprises, talk to your child about what will happen when you eat out and how you expect him to behave. Then set your table, pretend you’re eating out, and practice. You can even create your own menu and take turns playing “customer” and “server.” Keep it short and fun, focusing on one skill you want to reinforce. A two-year old’s pretend-play skills are fairly limited, so the younger your child is, the more you may need to take an active role in acting out a restaurant scenario.

Choose your battles. A restaurant is not the place to get into a power struggle with your child. Aspire to good basic behavior, such as not disturbing other people, but ignore minor transgressions rather than getting into a battle of wills that could spoil the whole meal.

Treat eating out as special family time. A restaurant meal is a social event and an opportunity to spend time together – eating, talking, playing games like I Spy, drawing, and just generally having fun. The more engaged your preschooler is, the more likely he is to be fairly well behaved.

Persevere. Even if you have a meal that ends in tears, try again. As young children practice appropriate behavior, it starts to become almost second nature. Over time practice will yield a wonderful reward: your family enjoying a pleasant restaurant experience together.

Bubba Gumps is a seafood restaurant chain that was inspired by the 1994 film Forrest Gump..Based in Houston, Texas, it currently operates twenty-nine US and twelve international locations. Our first introduction to the chain was in Miami but have dined in their Charleston, Chicago, Orlando, Fort Lauderdale, New Orleans, Galveston as well as all their Southern California locations. If you have never been in one of their restaurants you probably wonder why we would go back instead of trying new places; so here are our top five reasons you should take your kid with autism to a Bubba Gumps’ venue near you.

No Judgment!

The restaurant is one of the least judgemental environment you’ll find in the food business, after all, this place’s theme is that being’special’ is not only ok but totally cool! So far, every location we’ve dined at, the staff was not only super polite and patient with our son but took the time to chat with him and make him feel welcome.

Lots of Paper Towels available

As parents to a special needs son, we’ve had our share of unintentional table spills and messy dining scenes over the years. Generally, patrons would need to flag down a staff member to ask for help with the clean up or, at least, provide the table with additional napkins. But not at a Bubba Gump’s restaurant! Here, the tables are pre-prepared for spills with handy paper towels one can just reach out and grab immediately.

Extensive menu selections

Our son, like many other kids on the autism spectrum, is somewhat of a choosy eater. At Bubba Gump’s, there’s a budget friendly extensive menu available with a lot of different choices.Furthermore, the portions are quite generous, so our son gets to take home part of his favorite po’boy sandwich dish and enjoy it the next day.

Get your kid excited about healthy choices

We couldn’t get our son to taste any fruit smoothies for years -until we set foot in one of the restaurants and he saw it offered drinks in a light-up cups.Nowadays, he not only loves dining there but orders his favorite the mango-pineapple, as soon as we are seated.

Fun while waiting for a table

Many food venues can get crowded and busy during the regular lunch and dinner hours. For us, since waiting was difficult for our son we used to walk away and look for an alternative. The only exception so far has been Bubba Gump’s restaurants that have stores too. Walking through the shop, checking out the different trinkets seems to be work well for our son that loves looking at the all the various items. For kids that don’t like shopping as much, there’s always the option to gawk at the different license plates used as the restaurant decor or take a selfie next to the two statues (one of Forrest on the bench and the other of Forrest standing with his suitcase) right by the entrance.

Have you taken your kid with autism to ‘Bubba Gumps’ -how did you like it?

Picky eating is common in autism

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Jonathan Jassey, DO, is a board-certified private pediatrician at Bellmore Merrick Medical in Bellmore, New York.

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If you’re the parent of a child with autism, there’s a good chance you’re raising an extremely picky eater. In fact, some children with autism are extraordinarily limited in dietary choices, selecting only two or three options and eating only those foods for years. All too often, those foods are not particularly nutritious; they may include pizza, chicken nuggets, chips, or other high-calorie, low-nutrient options. Children who radically limit their diets are, of course, eating a nutritionally unbalanced diet that may actually be harmful to their health.

Picky Eaters with Autism are Common But the Reasons are Unclear

No one really knows why so many children with autism are picky eaters, says Kimberly Kroeger-Geoppinger, an assistant pediatrics professor at the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center. But there’s no doubt that it’s a common phenomenon. That means that parents’ permissiveness is probably not the cause.

Kroeger says there are several possible reasons for autistic children’s pickiness. “We know that children with autism tend to select down, eliminating one food from their diet at a time. The reasons ​could be sensory (a new discomfort with a particular smell, taste or feel), or even a randomly developed routine.”

Nip the Problem in the Bud

Very often, says Kroeger, kids with autism will slowly start to reject previously favored foods. You might find that your child won’t eat a certain food one day, and rejects it again the next. If that happens, he may be working toward absolute rejection of the food.

If you see that happening, start right away with the next steps in this guide! Otherwise, it’s possible that your child will self-select herself down to just a few foods, served in only one way, at one particular location.

Choose a Food That’s Similar to Those Your Child Likes Best

While nutrition is an important consideration, says Kroeger, it’s not the most important concern when helping a picky eater build his food selections. Instead, she recommends, start with a food that’s similar to those your child already eats.

For some children, it might be easiest to start with a food that has a similar flavor (trying fresh strawberries if a child likes strawberry ice cream); for others, the texture may be the most important issue (adding corn chips if a child likes potato chips).

If you do have concerns about nutrition, it’s fine to give your child multivitamins. Choose the type your child is most likely to tolerate, be they crunchy, chewy or liquid.

Take Baby Steps When Introducing a Food

Many children with autism are resistant to new foods. To keep from turning the dinner table into a battlefield, it’s best to choose steps that allow your child to be successful.

A first step to introducing a new food might be simply placing the food on your child’s plate. If even that leads to problems, you can start by placing the food on the child’s plate for only a few seconds.

As soon as your child is successful with that first baby step, reward him! Rewards vary from child to child but should include warm praise, a hug if that’s something she likes, and a “motivator” such as a small amount of a preferred food or time doing a preferred activity.

Take More Baby Steps

Once your child tolerates a new food on his plate, says Kroeger, it’s time to move on to the next small steps. You can customize this plan to your own child – if necessary adding or subtracting steps:

• Touch the food
• Smell the food
• Bring the food to lips
• Touch the food with the tongue
• Take a taste of the food
• Taste the food every day for two weeks

If a child continues to reject the food after tasting it every day for two weeks, says Kroeger, it’s probably time to decide that this is just not going to be a preferred item.

Avoid Power Struggle Between You and Your Child

It’s easy to get frustrated with a child who simply won’t eat anything new. But it’s important to avoid setting up a situation in which you and your child are vying for power. The best way to avoid a power struggle is to set the bar low enough that your child will almost always succeed.

That may mean micro-mini steps at first: sniffing a food, tasting with the tongue, and so forth. The journey may take a while. But as your child succeeds, step by step, and wins your pride and motivating rewards, you may find it a more pleasant way to set your goals.

If You Need Help Encouraging Your Child to Expand Her Diet

While it’s often possible for parents to expand a child’s diet without help, you may find yourself frustrated and unable to make positive changes. If that’s the case, you’re not alone. In fact, the problem of picky eating is so prevalent that many children’s hospitals offer feeding clinics to help with the issue. These clinics specialize in helping parents to expand their children’s diets despite a wide range of obstacles. To find a feeding clinic near you, just search for the term “feeding clinic” or “feeding program” in your favorite search engine, along with the name of the closest city.

An autistic boy was only supposed to run into a restaurant to quickly ask for a takeout menu, then bring it back to the car. When he was gone for a long time, his dad decided to go check on him. He couldn’t believe what had happened and how his son was being treated by the staff when he walked inside.

Owen Long likes to know where he’s going to eat. Being autistic, he’s not much on surprises when it comes to his meal, according to his mother. So, they make special accommodations now and then to keep Owen happy, decreasing any unnecessary anxiety for the special needs boy. “We knew all day we were going to eat at Sun Restaurant. Owen likes to know exactly where he’s going to eat every night,” explained Owen’s mother Sandra Block.

Owen was riding in the car with his dad when they saw an opportunity to help make the takeout experience a better one for Owen. They were going to grab a menu, so Owen could look it over before they placed their takeout order at Sun Cuisines Restaurant in Williamsville, New York. “So he said to him, ‘Owen just go and get the takeout menu and come right back,’ and they practiced it in the car. ‘You’re going to ask — what are you going to ask?’ ‘Take out menu,’ ‘okay good,’” Sandra furthered.

Owen Long and his father Pat (Photo Credit: Facebook) Owen Long, who happens to be autistic, was sent into the restaurant just to grab a takeout menu. (Photo Credit: Facebook)

But, nothing went as planned when the boy entered the eatery. He managed to approach the counter, but Owen was quickly distracted by the smell of the food. When Aye Thein, the Sun Cuisines Restaurant Partner and Manager, asked if she could assist him in some way, Owen simply told her he was hungry. Her reaction had the boy in the restaurant for an extended period of time, and that’s when his dad feared something was wrong.

Curious what was taking Owen so long, his dad entered the restaurant and he simply couldn’t believe the sight unfolding in front of him. Aye Thein’s reaction to the boy’s admission that he was hungry was something this family had never seen or expected. And, Sandra quickly took to the business’s Facebook page to let the world know all about it.

Owen Long (Photo Credit: Facebook) Owen Long with his mom Sandra (Photo Credit: Facebook)

After giving the background story, Sandra said her husband went in to find out what’s going on, and he was so blown away, he took a picture. “What’s going on is that my son is at a table, eating,” Sandra wrote. After telling the staff he was hungry, Aye “sat him down and asked what he wanted to eat, and he answered: ‘beef,’” Sandra added.

“She told her cooks, ‘Hurry, this boy is very hungry,’ and made him a beef curry with rice. She said that he was so sweet she was planning on letting him eat for free,” Sandra continued before saying she loves the restaurant and telling others, “If you end up there, thank them again, from me. For their kindness, and for treating my son like family.”

“He said I’m hungry and when I look at his face, from my heart I said, ‘Oh, he’s a very special boy to me.’ I said, ‘What do you want to eat honey?’ I asked him, and he said, ‘I want to eat beef,’” Aye Thein recalled, according to WIVB News 4. Apparently, at Sun Restaurant, the motto is: “Ask and you shall receive!”

“That is just so uncommonly kind, like how often, can you imagine, I’m going to cry thinking about it,” said an emotional Sandra. And, the shocks just kept coming. After posting about the incident on Facebook, she never expected what came next either. “It went viral. I’m sitting there refreshing it and telling Pat, my husband, ‘Hey we got like a thousand likes on this, and then, I’m like, ‘No, make that 1,200, make that 1,250,” Sandra said.

What makes this even better, Aye had no idea Owen has autism. So, she wasn’t treating him special because of a disability. Instead, she says she was just practicing “Mettā,” which is part of Buddhism and her Burmese culture. “Mettā means loving and kindness to everybody,” she explained. But, that loving and kindness is still a shock to Sandra, who can’t believe how her son was treated.

“To the point of sitting him down and making him a beef curry? That’s insane. That’s just so crazy awesome to me,” the grateful mom said. But, is it really insane? Perhaps a better question is this: Should it be “crazy” to us to see such love in our own society? Although it’s sadly uncommon, it doesn’t need to be. We don’t have to be a Buddhist or part of the Burmese culture to practice the loving and kindness Aye Thein and Sun Cuisines Restaurant displayed that day. We all have the opportunity to show such compassion every day — we just have to make the choice to do it.

Getting a diagnosis for your child is extremely time-consuming and mentally draining. You probably had to take a lot of time off of work to help them get to doctor’s appointments, speech therapy appointments, occupational therapy and school. There were the IEP meetings and the teacher meetings and the caregiver arrangements, and that was all while you were trying to hold down a full-time job. What’s a parent to do?

The good news is that getting a ASD diagnosis for your child means that you may now be able to take leave from your job to care for them. If you have been employed for 12 months in your current job, you could be eligible for leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA). In order to apply, you will have to meet these requirements, outlined below.

• Your employer must be “covered,” meaning that they generally need to have more than 50 employees (but other employers are eligible under state laws).
• You must have worked for at least 1250 hours in the 12 months before you take a leave (that works out to be about 24 hours a week).
• You must work at a location where the employer has at least 50 employees within 75 miles of your worksite.

There are other more specific rules for employees of airlines, schools and government offices, so check with your employer’s human resources department to verify your eligibility. You also will need to have your child’s physician verify the diagnosis in your application for leave.

Because a developmental disorder like autism requires you to care for your child using a number of unique services, you may need to make arrangements with your employer to use your leave for both expected and unexpected instances (appointments vs. meltdowns, for example). You may also need to educate them on the nuances of developmental disorders and how they affect your ability to care for your child. But those extra efforts may be worth it if it means you can keep your career and care for your child, too.

Articles On Parenting a Child With Autism

Parenting a Child With Autism

Parenting a Child With Autism – Self-Care Tips If Your Child Is on the Spectrum

• Parenting Tips
• Self Care for Parents
• Preparing Kids for School

Have you ever heard the advice to “put the oxygen mask on yourself first,” so you’ll be better able to help others with theirs? This is never more true than when you’re raising a child with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), more commonly known as autism.

Self-care is about far more than “me time.” As a caregiver, you need to keep your body and your mind in tip-top shape so you can cope with the challenges that crop up from day to day.

This means slowing down and looking for ways to take care of yourself so you’ll have plenty of you (physically, mentally, and emotionally) to go around.

Cut the Stress

Parents of kids with ASD often face more stress than those who deal with other disabilities. If left unchecked, caregivers can face breakdowns in relationships and even psychological disorders. Your health can suffer, too.

You can keep stress at bay and avoid getting overwhelmed by staying organized. This includes carving time out of your day just for yourself. Here are some ways you can do that:

Pinpoint the real causes of your stress. If you feel overwhelmed, break down the major issues you’re facing into easier bites. You’ll feel better, and you’ll have a plan.

Meditation may help, too. Pay attention to your thoughts and the way you talk to yourself. It’ll help you weed out useless worries.

Exercise. You don’t need to go to the gym. Walk, work in the garden, swim — even dance in the kitchen. These are easy, effective ways to get some exercise.

If you want some adult company, take an exercise class. It’s is a great way to recharge your batteries and meet new people.

Get some z’s. When you need to recharge your body and mind, you can’t beat the power of a good night’s sleep. If you need extra help winding down, learn to meditate or practice relaxation exercises. It can help your body get ready for rest.

Play with your food. You likely spend lots of energy making sure your child eats nutritious meals. What about you? Spice up your personal menu by trying different fruits, veggies, and cuisines. Scope out new recipes to keep things interesting.

And eat on a set schedule each day. It’ll help you keep your energy up and your system on track.

Continued

Seek Balance

This is the key not only to coping, but to maintaining a high quality of life. Your whole family will benefit.

Book time in your weekly calendar for fun and socializing. Try these tips to add balance to your busy days:

Find your friends. Yes, you’re the parent of a special-needs child. But you’re an individual, too. Remembering that you have your own identity makes you a better parent. Take time to reconnect and laugh with your friends. You’ll be glad you did.

Take up old hobbies. Track down your knitting needles, dust off the piano, or get out the golf clubs. Try new activities that catch your eye.

Take five. A few extra minutes first thing in the morning can center you and set the tone for the whole day. Gather your thoughts, take a long, warm shower, or jot some notes in a journal.

Can your partner or other family members take over parenting duties for a bit? A quick walk around the block or short drive to the store — by yourself — will give you some much-needed time to yourself.

Use Lifelines

Respite care is a hot topic in the ASD community. This means having a support system — inside your home, outside of it, or both. It’ll give you a chance to take breaks to recharge and just be you. You can identify or form your support team using these methods:

• Ask your friends, family, and other parents you know for support connections you might not have thought about.
• Check with your child’s doctors, therapists, and teachers for ideas or referrals. For instance, a teacher’s aide you really like might enjoy babysitting in her free time.
• You can also post notices for childcare help in newspapers and online, local religious communities, and at colleges and universities near you. Be sure to check all references carefully.
• Join a support group for parents of autistic children. Find out what works for others. You can find self-help communities by calling a local autism support center or looking online.

Sources

Synapse.org: “Self Care Strategies Parents,” “Respite Care for Parents of Autistic Kids.”

Autism Speaks: “Autism Moms: 5 Ways to Take Care of You.”

Laura and Tony Rivoli at Rivoli’s Restaurant, which closed in 2016. They are opening a new restaurant in Toms River that will feature a sensory room for autistic children. Mary O’Connor

The Ocean County restaurant will also feature a sensory room for children with autism.

The restaurant opened on Oct. 15. By mid-November it will boast a room featuring sensory objects like bubble machines, cushioned “crash” pads, bean bag chairs and sensory games on the walls geared toward making the dining experience as enjoyable as possible for those with sensory issues. It will also feature its own entrance and exit separate from the rest of the restaurant.

Monica Hmielewski, a member of the Rivoli family, got inspiration for the room when her son Chase, wandered into a side room at the restaurant one day that was originally used for private events. The room will be named “Chase’s Friends Zone.”

“It’s just a community we didn’t think we were going to be a part of, but we’ve embraced it and we wanted to do something,” Hmielewski told NJ Advance Media. “We find it very hard sometimes, and we understand, it’s hard sometimes going out to eat and doing things that typical families are able to do without even thinking about it.”

Hmielewski met with autism non-profit KultureCity to plan the room, and the group will also certify all servers in the room. The restaurant plans to hire individuals with special needs to bus the tables, and 20 percent of the proceeds from the room will go into a fund administered by a nonprofit. The Asbury Park Press, which was first to report on the sensory dining room, says the nonprofit will likely be Hometown Heroes of Toms River.

The family plans to have special events in the room as well, including paint parties, bingo nights and appearances from music therapist Jammin Jen who has been featured on The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

“I’ve talked to many people who haven’t been out to eat for years,” Hmielewski said. “People are literally stopping me now to say, ‘I can’t thank you enough.’”

The family’s popular Rivoli’s Restaurant closed in 2016 after nearly 30 years of serving Toms River, and the new restaurant is taking over the space at Toms River Ale House. The family also owns Rivoli’s Chill and Grill in Howell.

“We’ve always had in our mind coming back to Toms River. It was always something we wanted to do. We grew up in Toms River, we went to school in Toms River,” Hmielewski said. “For us to be back in Toms River and be able to bring all of the community back together and do events and fundraisers on top of bringing a sensory dining room. we’re thrilled. I never thought it was going to get this big by something I just thought of.”

Jeremy Schneider may be reached at [email protected]. Follow him on Twitter @J_Schneider. Find NJ.com on Facebook.

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I went with my daughter to see a mental health advisor. Her anxiety is out of control, her sleeping is poor and her eating almost non-existent. It is obvious my daughter is struggling and is on the cusp of being diagnosed with a mental health condition. The more my daughter talks and the more the advisor hears about home life, the more she shakes her head.

“This cannot continue,” she says with a sigh. “This level of anxiety is unsustainable.”

“Until the root cause of the difficulties is addressed,” she says looking right at me, “your daughter is never going to get well.”

“You already seem to know this. Will you help your daughter?”

She is asking me to put one child above another.

My son with severe autism is destroying his sister mentally and keeping them together is now “unsustainable.”

I had a long chat with the social worker. The hours of screaming, the self harming, the level of control that rules the entire house: it is killing my family. The smearing, the lack of sleep, the isolation: it is destroying my marriage. The violence and anger is damaging both physically and mentally to us all.

She gives me a stark choice: either one child will end up in a mental hospital or the other will need residential care.

Continuing as we are is not an option.

Then there are the parents. Both already on antidepressants, both exhausted and drained and barely functioning.

Love is not the question here: living is.

What do you do when caring for your autistic child becomes “unsustainable” for the rest of the family?

What if his unrelenting need for sameness means others are denied change too? What if his lack of sleep is physically exhausting everybody else? What if his meltdowns are so severe they are putting others at risk? What if his care needs mean siblings are denied having friends over and can never be part of the community they live in? What if his rigidity is so severe that nobody can have a haircut or even a new pair of glasses? What sort of effect does that have on a family?

Is love enough when damage is being done daily to everyone, both mentally and physically, by keeping the child with autism at home with his family?

He is my child, my heartbeat, my every breath, my all.

I can’t let go of him, but I am not sure I should keep him either.

This is not bad parenting; this is life with severe autism.

I am doing my best with insufficient support. So many families are in the same place.

Love is not the question, living is.

Can I actually admit to myself that living with my own autistic son is “unsustainable”?

Extended family can be more challenging than autism

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Diana Apetauerova, MD, is board-certified in neurology with a subspecialty in movement disorders. She is an associate clinical professor of neurology at Tufts School of Medicine.

If you’re the parent of an autistic child who struggles to find a way to attend family events without negative comments, criticism, rolled eyes or bad advice, you’re not alone. Fortunately, it’s not hard to understand why autism might make some family members uncomfortable, and it’s even easier to plan your family get-togethers in such a way that you, your child, and your extended family members can all enjoy the experience.

Why Autism Can Be Hard for Extended Family

There are plenty of reasons why extended family might have a difficult time with autism, especially if they’ve never experienced it before. Some of those reasons are perfectly understandable; others may be upsetting, frustrating, or even anger-inducing. Here are just a few of the more common reasons for your family members’ discomfort:

• Anxiety. Most typical adults respond with anxiety or uncertainty to differences in social communication. We are carefully trained to expect specific responses, and when we don’t get them we are made uneasy. More significant differences (a child who is non-verbal, for example) can create real anxiety. This uneasiness may actually be sub-conscious, and your family members may not recognize their discomfort until it’s pointed out to them.
• Misinformation about autism. Myths and misconceptions about autism can be paralyzing. Some people are under the misapprehension that people with autism are contagious, aggressive, or unable to feel affection. These myths can cause family members to pull away from an autistic child.
• Aggressive behaviors. Autistic children who are aggressive can actually frighten extended family, who fear for their own safety and the safety of their children. In some cases, there are legitimate reasons for fear, but these cases are extremely rare.
• Embarrassment. Some extended family members are embarrassed by the fact of having a disabled family member. This may be “wrong,” but it’s not unusual. Intellectual disability and social awkwardness are traditionally (if wrongly) considered to be “weaknesses,” and people with autism may exhibit either or both.
• Unwillingness to accommodate differences. In some cases, extended family members feel “put upon” when asked to make accommodations for disabled family members. They have their ways, and their traditions, and, rightly or wrongly, have no desire to change.
• Concerns about making a mistake. Some well-meaning family members may worry that they will approach your child in the wrong way and upset them. Seeing that your child has very specific preferences and is easily thrown off by changes in routine, they may believe it’s best to take a hands-off approach and “wait for him to come to me.” Of course, they may not understand that autistic children rarely approach others on their own.
• Feeling rejected by the autistic child. In some cases, family members may feel pushed aside by an autistic child’s lack of response to their warm advances. Autistic children rarely understand that Grandma’s big hug and kiss are kindly meant and should be accepted; instead, they’re likely to shriek and run away from the unexpected or uncomfortable embrace. When that happens, Grandma feels she’s been rejected and has no desire to repeat the experience.

As a parent, you may well feel that a family’s job is to figure out how to welcome your child, autistic or not. But if you really want your family to support your child with autism, or at least feel comfortable around them, you will need to put some supports in place, both for your child and for your family. You may also need to make some tough choices about how much work you really want to put into the process.

Tips for Bringing Together Extended Family and Your Autistic Child

You want your family to know and love your autistic child. But you dread the reactions some or all of your extended family have when your child behaves like a person with autism. Fortunately, with some forethought and planning, it should be possible to build an inclusive environment that works for everyone. Here are some tips for making it work.