I'm sorry to hear about all the stress with your mum and it sounds like you are overwhelmed, no matter what the cause of her behaviour is.
My mother was stubborn, illogical, self-centred, and unpredictable pre-dementia, and her Alzheimer's didn't help any of those personality tendencies.
It's likely impossible for any of us to tell you what is deliberate and what she can't help but at a guess, there is likely a mix of both going on. The specifics may not matter as much as the effect this is having on you and your family right now.
There is good general information about all things dementia on the Alzheimer's UK website, which you might want to have a look at when you have time, if you haven't already. This might be a place to start:
Or here:
I would mention that a lot of the things you describe are common to dementia: describing visits that haven't happened, overfeeding pets, throwing things away (including gifts and new items), not swallowing tablets, not eating, "hiding" things away and then not being able to find them, et cetera. All very common to dementia. I'm not saying she isn't deliberately pushing your buttons, I'm just saying that those are behaviours that are commonly seen with dementia.
And while some people with dementia are easy-going and compliant, that's not the case for a lot of PWDs (persons with dementia). There can be everything from mild upset to constant anxiety to outright aggression and violence.
If you notice any sudden changes or rapid deterioration or sharp change in personality, I'd get her medically checked out, as that can be the sign of an illness or infections. PWDs are especially prone to UTIs and sometimes chest infections.
As far as could there be a deliberate part of your mother's behaviour towards you? It's hard for us to say but it is true that a PWD often behaves differently for different people. It's also very common for the primary caregiver, often a family member, often an adult child (often a daughter of a mother with dementia), to get the worst of it.
Also we sometimes unintentionally, and unknowingly, act as a trigger for some of these behaviours. I don't mean to suggest you're doing anything wrong, just that the past relationships or dynamics or interactions, sometimes don't mix well with the dementia. (Been there and got the t-shirt.)
You clearly need some help, some respite, something, as you sound close to the end of your tether. I don't know what options are available in your area such as day care, carers, sitters, and so forth, but carer breakdown does happen and is not to be taken lightly. You can damage your physical and mental health if you're not careful. The current situation doesn't sound tenable.
I'm so sorry and hope you can find some help and support and a way forward. Best wishes.
