Somehow, we are now under the impression that how busy we are is supposed to equate how successful we are. A recent study in the Journal of Consumer Research argues “a busy and overworked lifestyle, rather than a leisurely lifestyle, has become an aspirational status symbol.” There’s even money in it: Time saving devices (your smartphone) and services (any grocer that will deliver you food), “can trigger inferences of busyness and status, regardless of how busy one truly is,” says the study.
Lauren Berger, founder of CareerQueen.com, became determined to write “Get It Together: Ditch the Chaos, Do the Work and Design Your Success” because she was sick of hearing people boast about how busy they were.
“I felt like there was this false connection between how busy you were and how successful you were, and this isn’t true,” says Berger. “It’s hard because work and life are so enmeshed these days, but I wanted to tell people you don’t have to be busy all the time to be successful. It’s about you being in control of your day and how you spend your time, finding what works for you and being intentional about your day and routine.”
We likely have more time than we think we do
Case in point: When we have pockets of unscheduled time, we don’t always know what to do with ourselves. A recent eight-test study from the Journal of Consumer Research examined whether unscheduled time before a scheduled task during the work day changes how people perceive and use their time. They found people tend to perceive they have less time than they actually do, get less done as a result and are less likely to take on ‘extended time tasks’ during those unscheduled pockets that could potentially make them more money.
Berger described always feeling behind the 8-ball, and that her calendar was controlling her, instead of the other way around. That’s why preparation is a big part of Berger’s prescriptive M.O. In “Get it Together,” she helps readers consider how attending to small details, like picking out your clothes, packing your gym bag and making to-do lists the night before, can improve their lives and routines. “I think being hyper-aware of the small wins the things that make you feel like you have it together,” she says. “Being prepared gives you confidence.”
Reclaiming wasted time
An integral part of this is figuring out how to schedule your day in a way that allows for your humanity. “Corporate culture tells us that we need to be avail 24/7,” says Berger. “It’s up to the employers to change their mentality, because people are too stressed and they’re cracking. And employees are going to have to set boundaries and not put up with it.”
It’s the response Darius Foroux always got whenever he asked coworkers how they were doing.
The Dutch businessman and blogger said the word “busy” first began to puzzle him when he briefly worked for an IT research company in London.
“I thought to myself, ‘That’s not the answer to my question,’” Foroux told NBC News BETTER.
Foroux said he began to realize that a lot of people equate busyness with success. But he came to believe that busy people aren’t necessarily happy.
The 30-year-old made a decision: he would quit being busy for the sake of being busy. He stopped filling his calendar with meaningless to-do’s, going to social gatherings out of obligation, and saying ‘yes’ to things that didn’t appeal to him.
“I was like ‘You know what? I don’t want to do all these things. I think it’s a waste of my time,’” Foroux said.
Instead, he opts for writing and blogging, watching TV and spending more time with his girlfriend and family, he says.
The businessman has some advice for putting “busy” to rest and filling your life with purpose.
Why You Brag About Being Busy
Stop saying you’re busy
Foroux said part of his not-being-busy philosophy includes never replying “busy” when someone asks how he is.
“I think the kinds of words you use and the way you communicate to people is something that should really fit with your ideals, because if you truly believe that you’re busy, you probably act that way, as well,” he said.
To be efficient is to accomplish many tasks, but to be effective is “doing the right things.”
Only do things that make you happy or bring you closer to your goals
In order to better spend your time, Foroux says it’s important to understand the difference between being efficient and being effective. He said it’s an insight he learned from the theorist Peter Drucker.
To be efficient, he explains, is to accomplish many tasks, but to be effective, he says, is “doing the right things.”
“The right thing is some task or activity that brings you closer to your goal,” says Foroux.
Learn to say ‘no’
A big solution to not being busy, explains the blogger, is saying ‘no’ a lot.
There are always tasks you can’t say ‘no’ to, especially if they are part of your job, he acknowledges. But we often have the power to say ’no’ to more than we realize, he explains.
For instance, if a close friend asks you to help plan her wedding, you may feel pressured to say ‘yes’ even if you cringe at the idea.
“Just look at yourself,” Foroux urged. “Is that really you?”
Ask yourself if that is really how you want to spend your time. If you’d rather do something else, he says, don’t be afraid to say ’no.’
Know yourself
Getting “busy” out of your life starts with learning to know yourself, according to the blogger.
“If you want to say ‘no,’ if you want to apply this piece of advice, I would start by getting to know yourself and just really think about: Who are you? What do you like? And say ‘no’ to the things that you just truly don’t enjoy doing,” he advised.
Other questions you should ask yourself when deciding what’s worth your time, Foroux says, are: What is my role? What am I trying to achieve?
“To answer those questions, I think you need some self awareness,” he says. “And that’s where I started, as well, is developing self knowledge. I would say just understanding yourself, knowing who you are as a person.”
Slow down
Putting “busy” to rest doesn’t mean quitting your job and abandoning your responsibilities, Foroux explains. It simply means slowing down and becoming more conscious of how you really want to spend your time.
“I do work a lot,” Foroux says. “But I also make a lot of time for reading, spending time with my family, things that are important to me. And I have to know myself to make time for those things, and say ‘no’ to everything else.”
How to put “busy” to rest:
Stop saying it. Your words shape your life more than you realize. If you want to be less busy, stop saying “I’m busy.”
Think of what you’re doing in terms of goals. Understand the difference between being efficient and being effective. To be efficient is to get a lot done, but to be effective means you only prioritize those tasks that make you happy or bring you closer to a goal.
Just say ‘no’: Ask yourself: Is this something I really want to do? If not, the answer is a simple ‘no.’
Know what you want. Getting “busy” out of your life starts with learning to know yourself. When prioritizing your life, ask yourself: Who am I? What do I like? What is my role? What am I trying to achieve?
Take it down a notch. You don’t have to quit your job and your responsibilities to be less busy. Take a breath, slow down, and become more conscious of what you desire.
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Experts explain why the key to being on time is understanding why you’re always late.
New York lingerie designer Carolyn Keating was thrilled to land a job interview with Victoria’s Secret. She knew that being on time was essential to making a good impression, but there was just one problem. “I had written down the address wrong. I meant to check it the night before on the computer, but I didn’t.” When Keating finally arrived at the correct address, she was 30 minutes late. “I felt embarrassed and it really flustered me,” she tells WebMD. “I carried that insecure, worried, flustered energy throughout the interview.” She didn’t get the job.
Another time, Keating and several friends showed up 15 minutes late to a colleague’s wedding. “The bride was already at the alter. She was basically saying ‘I do’ when we tumbled in, and it’s hard for six or seven people to tiptoe in quietly. We were worried that we ruined the most important day of her life.”
For some people, being on time seems nearly impossible — no matter how important the event. They’re always running out the door in a frenzy, arriving everywhere at least 10 minutes late. If this sounds like you, have you ever wished you could break the pattern? According to Julie Morgenstern, author of Time Management From the Inside Out, the first step is to make promptness a conscious priority.
“Look at the costs of being late and the payoffs of being on time,” Morgenstern advises. She says it’s important to recognize that being late is upsetting to others and stressful for the one who is late. “I think people’s stress level is very high when they’re late. They’re racing, worried, and anxious. They spend the first few minutes apologizing. One of the payoffs of being on time is that you eliminate the stress of the travel time and you eliminate the time spent apologizing.”
The Consequences of Being Late
The consequences of being chronically late run deeper than many people realize, according to psychologist Linda Sapadin, PhD, author of Master Your Fears. “You’re creating a reputation for yourself, and it’s not the best reputation to be establishing. People feel they can’t trust you or rely on you, so it impacts relationships. It also impacts self-esteem.”
Once you feel motivated to make a change, Morgenstern says the next step is to figure out why you’re always late. The reason can usually be classified as either technical or psychological.
Continued
Technical Difficulties
“If you’re always late by a different amount of time — five minutes sometimes, 15, or even 40 minutes other times — it is likely that the cause is technical,” Morgenstern tells WebMD. “That means you are not good at estimating how long things take,” whether it’s drive times or routine activities like taking a shower.
Keating says she falls into this category. “It’s a case of bad planning, of thinking you need less time than you actually do.”
The solution, Morgenstern says, is to “become a better time estimator.” She suggests keeping track of everything you do for a week or two. “Write down how long you think each thing will take and then how long it actually took.” This will help you find a pattern, so you can adjust your time estimates.
Keating says this strategy is helpful. “You have to be realistic about how long certain things take, especially things you do routinely. If you know it takes 20 minutes to blow dry your hair, allow yourself 20 minutes to blow dry your hair,” she says, “and leave a little extra time for those days when your hair is uncooperative.”
Learning to Say ‘No’
Another technical difficulty for some people is the inability to say “no” to additional commitments when they’re short on time. You might be a good time estimator, Morgenstern explains, but “your best-laid plans get waylaid when someone asks you for something and you can’t say ‘no.'”
The solution to this problem is to “practice catchphrases,” Morgenstern tells WebMD. Learn to defer or decline requests by saying, “I would love to help, but I’m on a deadline” or “I’m meeting people in half an hour. I can help you tomorrow.”
Choosing to Be Late
“If you are literally always 10 minutes late, it’s psychological,” Morgenstern says. “You’re arriving exactly when you want. The question is ‘why?'”
Sapadin says the answer depends on your personality type. “For some people, it’s a resistance thing,” she tells WebMD. “It’s a carryover of rebelliousness from childhood. They don’t want to do what other people expect them to.”
Another category is the “crisis-maker,” someone who thrives on the minicrisis of running late. “These are people who cannot get themselves together until they get an adrenaline rush,” Sapadin explains. “They need to be under the gun to get themselves moving.”
Continued
Planning for Wait Time
For most people, running late has more to do with anxiety about where they’re going. “There’s a fear factor in which people are anxious about going at all or about getting there too early and having nothing to do,” Sapadin says.
Morgenstern agrees. “There is a tremendous fear of downtime, an anxiety associated with doing nothing and waiting.” You know you’re in this category if you’d rather be late to a massage than spend one minute sitting in the waiting room.
To overcome wait time anxiety, Morgenstern suggests planning “something highly absorbing to do while you wait.” Try to arrive at every appointment 10 or 15 minutes early and use the time for a specific activity, such as writing notes to people, reading a novel, or catching up with friends on the phone. This strategy can help convert dreaded wait time into time that is productive and pleasurable, giving you an incentive to be on time.
Walking Out the Door
Finally, a deceptively simple tip from Morgenstern: Walk out the door on time. She says many people try to avoid downtime by “shoving in one more thing” just before they need to leave. She calls this the “one-more-task syndrome” and says it’s a major obstacle to being on time. “If you really want to beat this, the minute you think of squeezing in one more thing before you leave, just don’t do it. Stop yourself in your tracks, grab your bag and walk out the door.”
Sources
SOURCES: Carolyn Keating, lingerie designer, New York. Julie Morgenstern, author, Time Management From the Inside Out: The Foolproof System for Taking Control of Your Schedule and Your Life. Linda Sapadin, PhD, psychologist; and author, Master Your Fears: How to Triumph Over Your Worries and Get on with Your Life.
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Sure, life is busy. But it can also be joyful. Photo: Shutterstock
Quiz: How many times this week did you #humblebrag about how busy you are? It’s a fact of modern American life. In fact, Ann Burnett, a gender studies scholar , has studied family holiday letters dating back to the late 70s and has documented an uptick in words like “hectic,” “whirlwind,” “frantic” and, of course, “busy.” Oh, and also “very busy,” because when everyone is busy we need to add a qualifier to distinguish ourselves.
Like most college-educated professionals I engaged in this kind of talk for much of my adulthood. Then I had kids. And yes, I got even busier. But I also found myself pushing back on the idea that being constantly overstretched was a necessary state of being. Being stressed out and grumpy lost it’s appeal when I had two small kids looking to me for clues about what life is about. I decided I didn’t want my kids to remember their childhoods as a blurred rush. I also powerfully didn’t want them to equate being a working mom with being miserable. Especially for my daughter I wanted her to see that motherhood and career could coexist in a joyful life.
But stopping the busy talk is easier said than done. It’s a cultural way of life for many of us. Here are four strategies I use to stop talking the busy talk and instead feel joyful about my life :
Get real about time. Here’s a mind-bending fun fact: If you think of the week beginning at roughly 5 a.m. on Monday morning that means that by 5 p.m. on Thursday you are only halfway through the week (as noted by famed time management guru, Laura Vanderkam ). Surprised? One of the things that can make us all feel frantic is the notion that work, especially full-time work, takes up “all” of our time. And yet, there are 84 hours between dinner on Thursday and the breakfast on Monday which is literally half of the weekly total. Even if you work a full day on Friday you still have a lot of leisure time balancing out the work time.
Embrace your own choices. How many times a day do you lament about something you “have” to do? Assuming you are over the age of 18 there probably aren’t very many things you actually “have” to do. There may be consequences — including very bad ones — to refusing to write a report, deciding to not wash your sheets or foregoing another weekend commitment. But avoiding bad consequences is a choice you make as an adult. It is in different a category from being forced into an activity over which you have no control. The next time you find yourself lamenting about something you “have” to do, stop and ask yourself if you are willing to accept the consequence of not doing it. If you are, then stop doing it — you just made more time in your schedule for the things you want to do! If you aren’t, reframe the activity. It is something you want to do, if only to avoid unpleasant repercussions.
Admit when time is not the problem. A few years ago I got to take a six-week sabbatical from work. I had fallen off the gym wagon awhile before that because, of course, I was “much too busy” to work out. And yet during the entire six weeks I didn’t exercise even once. It was time to admit that time was not my problem. Think seriously about the things you are “too busy” to do and decide if you really want to do them. If not, let it go and move on. Otherwise, admit that time is not the problem and figure out how what the real problem is and solve it. For me I found I had to let a lot of silly things get in my way — I needed new running shoes, I no longer knew the gym schedules, the times that used to work no longer did and I hadn’t figured out new ones. And I also had to figure out what would motivate me to stay committed. Once I solved those problems the scheduling just became another detail.
Resist the urge to compete with the “busy bees.” It’s tempting when people tell you how “crazy busy” they are to immediately jump in with your own tale of frenzied days and nights. But the exercise will only leave you feeling depleted and frantic. Also, by engaging in the oneupmanship you are contributing to the cultural narrative that we are all so time starved — and that it’s something to be proud of. This talk becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. There’s a tendency to fill your calendar with meaningless activities or to force yourself (and your kids!) to sign up for things that no one really wants to do, only to be able to engage in banal blather about busyness. Try this instead: next time someone laments their frantic state say, with deep sympathy, “Gosh, I hope things calm down for you soon.” Watch the look of shock that will come over their faces. Then smile serenely, as if you’ve got something figured out. Because you do.
Once, I turned up at a party by myself, before any of my friends got there. Rather than mingling, I hid in the bathroom to kill time and avoid talking to people I didn’t know. For a shy person like me, social interaction—especially with strangers—can be a stomach-churning, anxiety-filled experience. But with some work, I was able to get it under control and become comfortable with talking to people.
Growing up, I was a timid, hide-behind-mom sort of kid. I learned to talk more as I grew older, but at my core, I was still that shy kid—and the fear of talking to new people lasted well into adulthood.
My friends and family probably wouldn’t describe me as shy. But for me, being shy has always been about struggling to connect with people I don’t know. I fear the unfamiliarity of a stranger—how they might judge or reject me. Maybe there’s nothing inherently wrong with being timid, but when I started noticing how it affected my everyday life, I wanted to get it under control.
When shyness goes from awkward to problematic
It wasn’t a single experience that made me decide to shed my shyness for good. Instead, it was a gradual process. The more problems it caused, the more I learned to get over it.
For example: at one of my first jobs, I ran into a small accounting issue for the company. The numbers on our client list didn’t add up. Rather than bring it to my boss’s attention and ask what I should do, I decided to deal with it and figure it out myself. I wasn’t afraid of the work or of making mistakes—I was afraid of him (which doesn’t make sense, because he was a great, easygoing boss). But I was shy, so I said nothing, and the small accounting issue turned into a huge problem that took days to repair. Had I spoken up to begin with, I might’ve been a little embarrassed. But after things spun out of control, I was mortified.
At another job, I spoke to no one. I sat at my desk, did my work, and hoped people would just leave me alone. And they did, for the most part, except when one outgoing coworker accused me of being a little snobby. Of course, this came as a shock to me—I didn’t think I was better than other people, I was intimidated by them. I asked what made her think that, and she said, “you never talk to us.” At this point, my shyness was giving my colleagues the wrong idea about me. I didn’t like that.
How I gradually kicked my shyness
Even now, my bashful side sometimes creeps up and wreaks havoc. Occasionally, I freeze up when people ask me questions. I force myself to speak, but I’m so intimidated that I sometimes blurt out stupid answers. I go to parties, and I absolutely dread talking to new people, because I’m unsure of how to maintain a conversation. The good news is: by practicing a few skills, these freeze-ups happen less and less. Here are a few realizations and tips that helped most.
Being shy doesn’t have to be who I am
I’m introverted at heart, but that doesn’t mean I have to be shy. The two are quite different, and realizing that shyness is a habit that can be broken was a big first step in understanding that I can develop social skills. I might not be the life of the party, but with a little effort, I can initiate and maintain conversations and learn to speak up for myself. I used to have a bad habit of cracking my knuckles. That wasn’t who I was; it was something I did. If I could break that habit, surely I could break my shyness.
Seven Tips to Strike Up Conversation with Anyone
Small talk should be about making connections and having conversations that go beyond “Hi, how’re…
It’s not all about me
Shy people often overthink their behavior and responses. I’d end up obsessively mulling over everything I said or did, wondering what others think of me. Did I say something stupid? Did I say something that might seem offensive? I still do this. After I’ve hung out with new friends, I’ll often think about every tiny thing I said after the interaction. If I said something even slightly embarrassing, or something that could be taken the wrong way, I’d kick myself.
I used to do this constantly, and it made me dread social interaction even more. But a close friend said something to me that stuck: “I don’t mean to sound rude, but you don’t realize how little people probably think about you.” It made me feel like a narcissistic jackass. But really, it is a little self-centered to think people are always considering my every word and behavior. The truth is, they probably don’t care . This was a great relief.
After all, when someone says something embarrassing to me, I don’t skewer them for it. I figure I misunderstood them or they didn’t quite mean it the way they said it. Or I laugh it off. We all say stupid things occasionally, and most people realize that. You should definitely think before opening your mouth, but overthinking after the fact can drive you nuts.
Overall, I learned that I might be awkward, but no one is thinking about my awkwardness as much as I am. Obsessing over it only makes that feeling worse.
Don’t Be Shy: Others Are Too Busy Worrying About Themselves to Notice
Next time you’re at the gym working out, meeting someone new, or out for the first time in a new…
“It’s not enough to be busy; so are the ants. The question is: what are we busy about?”
Henry David Thoreau
I’m sitting on my porch watching the line of ants trail up the wall until the black line above me starts to fade into the roof. I wonder what they think about.
Do they question the busyness of their tiny lives? Are they determined to get somewhere, or do they just focus on each tiny step forward? Do they fear the long road ahead?
I remembered learning from my mother—when my sister and I were homeschooled in third grade—about ants’ inability to see with their eyes. I remember my mother telling me that ants see through their sense of smell.
In order to better learn how they saw, my mother placed small pieces of homemade brownies around the house and covered our eyes with blindfolds. Hungry and determined, my sister and I scrambled around the house on all fours, sniffing for our hidden treasure.
While I am still grateful for this lesson my mother taught me about ants, I am starting to recognize a more important lesson that has taken a bit longer to learn.
In high school I spent countless hours with my head down studying and using my hands for various volunteer organizations. In college I worked tirelessly from class to work to home.
Little did I know I was just like the ants marching toward some destination, but I was blind as to where I was going and why.
It wasn’t until I reached complete burnout in my young professional career that I really started taking a look at the time I spent staying busy and getting things done. I had to take a step back and look at what I was doing with my time.
In my younger years I could push through mild illnesses to finish term papers and tests, so I thought this would be the case with my career.
But long hours of keeping busy at work and extracurricular activities turned into days, weeks, months, and years until my body forced me to stop.
I suffered a neck injury that kept me from my job. In search of the answer as to how I injured my neck, I went from doctor to doctor and they told me the injury was merely overwork, not enough rest, and too much stress. The doctors simply directed me to stop being so busy, something that is much easier said than done.
Since the injury kept me from work, chores, exercise, and most of my demanding activities, I faced the startling realization that I had to slow down. I had to start questioning why I was keeping myself so busy.
I discovered that if I stayed busy I could ignore the pain I felt of not being good enough. I recognized that if I continued to do things, I thought I would like myself more. I recognized that I didn’t love myself for just being me.
That injury saved my life. It made me question why I was busy.
I still have to come back to Thoreau’s question: What am I busy about? What are we all busy about?
First, ask: What am I doing in the day that does not serve me? Do I need to spend three hours every weekend cleaning the house or can my family divide, conquer, and clean in only one hour?
Do I need to spend two hours each day updating my social media status or can I update my profile once a week? What am I willing to sacrifice for internal sanity and calm?
Second, ask: Why do I do all that I do? You might be shocked to see that you cling to a number of superfluous tasks for money, pride, power, or recognition.
Third, ask: What would happen if I stopped doing this? Clearly, if you abruptly quit your job you might face immense challenges. Maybe start by identifying something small to erase from your over-packed day.
Be as specific as writing down each hour in your day to see where you spend most of your time and what you can remove from your day. You might surprise yourself when you see how much television you watch or how much time you spend driving around to do errands.
Tiny Steps to Move away from Unnecessary Busyness
1. Challenge yourself to take a few minutes to stretch your legs or to close your eyes and concentrate on slowing down your breathing.
Clearing your head and slowing down your heart rate will allow for clearer thinking, planning, and decision-making.
2. Take a step back and look at your life from another perspective, as if you were a friend or a colleague looking at it.
It can help you let go of emotional attachments and see why you are hanging onto pointless tasks and activities that once appeared significant.
3. Pay attention to your dreams.
Besides my strong advice to take a nap everyday (something we should continue to do no matter how old we are) our dreams can be indicators of many things in our lives if we slow down to recognize what they are telling us.
4. Unplug.
Limiting use of computers and cell phones can open up many more hours of free time, creativity, and relaxation.
5. Allow yourself to feel and be mindful.
Do you feel tension in your shoulders? Are you clenching your jaw?
When we are busy, we forget to feel what’s going on with our own bodies. Let us not be the ants, blind to our own lives, oblivious to what’s in front of us.
Let us continue to question why we “do.” There are some things that are important to “do” in life, but there are also times when it’s important to just “be.”
It is up to us to take more breaks in our busy days and really ask, why am I doing this? Does it matter?
Tonight I decided to stop working a bit early. I did not respond to all the emails in my inbox. Instead, I asked myself what I want to do tonight and why.
I spent my evening reliving my childhood and made a fresh batch of brownies. I savored each bite knowing there is really nothing left for me to do but sit back and watch the trail of ants.
About Jessica Latham
Jessica Latham is a freelance writer, translator and poet who enjoys writing about health and happiness. Her writing has been featured on NPR radio and published in various journals. She also writes a blog Rowdy Prisoners which features stories and interviews about people daring to live with passion and love.
America began to acknowledge its cultural obsession with “busyness” a few years ago, when Tim Kreider wrote the now legendary piece “The Busy Trap” for the New York Times. Nearly three years later, while our culture certainly hasn’t changed, an admitted addiction to busyness has at least transitioned from groundbreaking journalism to mainstream conversations.
While I fall into the category of people who are typically the biggest busy-worshippers (a working mom, educated, middle class), I always assumed that I wasn’t a part of the crowd. I write about media and culture and parenthood, for goodness sake! Surely, I couldn’t blindly succumb to a cultural trend.
But then, over the holidays, when my great-aunt asked me how I’d been doing, the words, “Good—but so busy! Crazy busy!” sprung forth from my mouth, and I realized that I’m just a drone impersonating a self-aware person.
Maybe I’m being a little hard on myself, but because busyness has become a status symbol—a sign that you are in demand and thus important—it’s easy to default to the word “busy” to describe your life. When we tell people that we are busy, in many cases what we’re trying to say is, “The activities that consume my day are important. I feel overwhelmed because I am busy, but my busyness is mandatory because I’m contributing so much to the world.” When we feel busy, we feel like we’re winning at life—like we’re doing something right and maximizing our productivity.
But our insistence on staying busy can have damaging effects on our mental well-being: more stress, exhaustion, burnout, and an inability to focus on the present.
I’ve resolved to make 2015 the year I stop feeling busy. And, based on the research I’ve done so far, it won’t actually require doing less—it will simply require changing the way I think and speak. Want to join me? Here’s how to get started.
1. Stop Talking About Being Busy
Far too many of us have made “So busy!” the automatic answer to “How are you?” It has essentially become a replacement for a standard answer like good or fine, when what we’re really trying to say is “Successful! Wanted! Admired!” Instead of telling people that you’re busy, try talking about what you’re actually doing—the accomplishments that are making you feel busy and thus making you feel proud. For example, “I’m doing well! I just got a promotion and it’s given me the opportunity to travel quite a bit more.”
Avoiding the compulsion to constantly insist that you’re busy will actually make you feel less busy (and, as the Americans’ Use of Time Survey has shown, we’re not nearly as busy as we think).
2. Stop Multi-tasking During Leisure Time
Though research shows that we have plenty of “leisure time” in our lives, we’ve become accustomed to multi-tasking during our downtime—meal planning while we watch television, checking our email while we’re out to dinner, watching a webinar while we’re working out. Writer Hanna Rosin describes this phenomenon well in her response to Brigid Schulte’s book Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time:
To be deep in the overwhelm requires not just doing too many things in one 24-hour period but doing so many different kinds of things that they all blend into each other and a day has no sense of distinct phases. Researchers call it ‘contaminated time,’ and apparently women are more susceptible to it than men, because they have a harder time shutting down the tape that runs in their heads about what needs to get done that day. The only relief from the time pressure comes from cordoning off genuine stretches of free or leisure time, creating a sense of what Schulte calls ‘time serenity’ or ‘flow.’ But over the years, time use diaries show that women have become terrible at that, squeezing out any free time and instead, as Schulte puts it, resorting to ‘crappy bits of leisure time confetti.’
Make sure to not only carve out time for yourself, but to actually acknowledge that you’re on the “leisure clock.” Don’t multitask—enjoy the downtime, and mentally label it as such.
3. Rethink Your Definition of Self-Care
When we think of self-care, we often focus on our physical well-being: getting a massage, exercising, taking care of our skin. But we shouldn’t define self-care so narrowly. In her book Thrive, Arianna Huffington identifies the “Third Metric of success” (i.e., a redefinition of success that goes beyond the two traditional metrics of money and power) and breaks into four components: well-being, wisdom, wonder and giving. While she begins with well-being, which includes taking care of yourself by getting plenty of sleep and staying healthy, she considers lifelong learning, meditation and mindfulness, and community involvement equally as important in achieving and defining success.
If we make room in our lives for this broader definition of self-care and accept that it is not a distraction from but a contributor to our success, we’ll be one step closer to escaping the busy vortex. We should prioritize our mental health just as highly as our physical health, and acknowledge that intellectual pursuits (like reading, writing, and learning) can be just as relaxing (perhaps more so) than a mani/pedi.
4. Outsource and Delegate More than You Think You Should
Modifications to our thinking and speech patterns can be incredibly powerful, but I’m sure you might be thinking, “But I really am busy. I don’t have a spare minute in the day.” So I feel compelled to include at least one strategy for actually being less busy, as opposed to just feeling less busy.
Let me share with you a tip that executive coach and Entrepreneur columnist Sumi Krishnan recently shared with me: At the end of your day—every day!—write down two things that you did that someone else could have done for you. They might be administrative tasks, housework, or simply to-do items that someone else could have accomplished just as easily. The next day, delegate those items. You may think that you’re a master delegator and that you’re maximizing your productivity every day, but this simple habit will help you measure your delegating skills each and every day.
Need help understanding men? This post answers a question from a reader about men and explains what is happening when a guy tells you, “I’m so busy.”
Apparently, she’s wondering how to respond when he says he’s busy. Or could she do anything about it? Let’s find out!
How to Respond When He Says He’s Busy?
Below is a letter sent by an anonymous sender having troubles with a man who was acting weird on valentines:
“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie,
I need your help. We’ve been dating for almost a month. He’s been attentive, making dates, really into me and then suddenly –a week before Valentine’s Day– he didn’t make time to see me. At the end of every date or time together he has followed up quickly… and now nothing. No texts for 3 days.
So I sent him a text advising him of my first day off in 4 weeks. He quizzed me about the day asking when I’m free and what work I’m doing now. Then nothing until LATE last night, he sent a weird message about how he’s been so busy and “did you have a fantastic day?” What is that about? I’m so OVER this dating bullsh*t.
I really like this guy and I thought he really liked me, you know? But not talking to me at all for 3 days and then quizzing me instead of having a heart-felt conversation (like we’ve had numerous times up until now) doesn’t cut it.
I’m sure Valentine’s Day is playing a part in freaking him out. I don’t care too much about Valentine’s Day – I just enjoy spending time together. I feel he’s losing interest in me. I want to ignore him right now because I’m so angry. 🙁 I don’t know what to do. Please give me some of your dating advice.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s so hard when dating seems to be going well and then BOOM, it fizzles out. And you have no idea what went wrong.
Of course, this is certainly not uncommon – pretty much standard dating nonsense.
Is he freaked out by Valentine’s Day? Maybe. But if he were as into you as he was acting, why would he risk turning you off? I’m going to guess something else is going on.
When a man tells you he’s been so busy, that’s the biggest RED FLAG. He was so into you and now he’s suddenly busy? I don’t think so.
I hate to break this to you, but “I’m so busy” is ManSpeak or code to cover a bunch of circumstances. Let me help you with understanding men and explain what those words could mean:
- I’m not that into you anymore
- I met someone else
- I don’t have time for you
- Dating is not my priority right now
- I’m done but want to keep you hanging
He could also be pulling away like so many men do when things are going well and it occurs to them that a relationship is starting.
That’s another reason why a guy might scamper off and become too busy. They do get scared about commitment and getting caught up in something.
Usually, this is the sign of an ambivalent man – one who isn’t sure what he wants.
There is no denying that dating is a process. It takes time to observe a man’s behavior in a variety of situations. You are watching for consistency in a man’s actions.
This guy started out doing all the right things, but now he’s doing a disappearing act. I realize this kind of thing can take a toll on your heart.
I lived through this myself and it was tough no doubt. But I came up with a way to handle the disappointment and actually guard against it.
When I was dating over 40 to find love, I noticed a lot of guys showed up gung ho, then evaporated. I also got sick of this quickly.
Date More Than One Man at a Time
For me, the solution was to date several men at the same time. Any man who pursued me and fit within my idea of a potential mate – I went out with him.
This way, if a man was only around for one, two or three dates, I had other contenders in line.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. It’s not sleazy – it’s a very smart dating strategy!
Especially for online dating – just expect men to be seeing other women until they tell you they want to be exclusive with you. Then you won’t be shocked when you find out you are not the only one.
Understanding Men – Realize Dating is a Glorified Sorting Process
The idea is to realize that dating is not the same as being in a relationship. From the first 4 – 8 dates, you are still in dating mode.
Until you know you have a standing date on Saturday night (depending on schedules), you are NOT in a relationship.
Relationships take time to develop. Everything else is just dating where there is no commitment.
The purpose of dating is to spend time with someone to evaluate his/her potential as a mate and decide if you want to invest more time getting to know each other.
So, it’s time to let go and move on. Brush yourself off and start again. It’s not easy, but this is the only way you will find love.
And believe me, if you persevere, YOU WILL FIND LOVE. I know because, against all kinds of odds, I found an adorable man and we’ve been married now for nearly 15 years.
I had no prospects when I started dating at 40 but found 30 guys to date in just 15 months.
Dating is a journey of self-discovery. You are learning about yourself – what works and what doesn’t and how to react to keep yourself open to meeting more men.
That’s the biggest secret of successful dating – don’t stop until you find the right one.
Wishing you love,
PS. Learn more about understanding men’s mixed signals in my Free book His Mixed Signals Are So Confusing! Find Out What He Really Means and get my newsletter with helpful insights and tips
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Just stop doing the annoying stuff, says Laura Vanderkam.
- Laura Vanderkam’s new book, “Off the Clock,” suggests that we can eliminate many of our seemingly obligatory daily tasks without fear of repercussion.
- For example, you don’t necessarily have to work through lunch, or fold your kids’ laundry neatly in their drawers.
- Other experts say it’s important to at least identify the tasks you find draining and see if you can simply stop doing them.
Often, Laura Vanderkam will reply to an email after what feels like an “uncomfortably long time.” In return, she’ll receive a message saying, “Thank you for the swift response!”
Vanderkam describes this recurring experience in her new book, “Off the Clock,” to illustrate how most people don’t notice all the ways you’re supposedly disappointing them. (For the record, I’ve emailed Vanderkam multiple times, and she typically replies the same day.)
Vanderkam calls this challenging your “stories” about how you should spend your time.
One example: “No one here takes a lunch break, so I can’t.” This is the kind of story that, as Vanderkam puts it, “falls apart under cross-examination. Unless you are physically chained to your desk, you can probably walk outside for some fresh air.”
Will your boss fire you, demote you, or even reprimand you for being gone for 20 minutes? I don’t know your boss, but I’m guessing not.
Similarly, Vanderkam purposes that putting away family members’ laundered clothes neatly in their drawers isn’t something you absolutely need to do. Can your kids put away their own laundry? What would happen if the laundry never got put away neatly? Would your kids be scarred for life? I don’t know your kids, but I’m guessing not.In other words, Vanderkam is holding you at least partly accountable for feeling busy and overwhelmed. If we establish that the world won’t explode if you take a lunch break and/or stop folding the laundry, then it’s really just the fear of sitting with your own discomfort that’s holding you back.
Even at work, you can probably cut some of your less rewarding tasks from your schedule
Vanderkam’s observations reminded me of advice shared by the Stanford professors who wrote the book “Designing Your Life.” One of those professors, Dave Evans, previously told me about a woman who kept a log of all the work activities that gave her energy and drained it.
When the woman shared the log with a colleague, the colleague asked her why she didn’t simply stop doing the draining tasks. So she did. Apparently none of her other coworkers noticed that she’d cut out half her previous responsibilities, and she was much happier.
To be sure, it’s not always so easy to eliminate tasks you don’t like, particularly at work. But there’s a chance that if you simply identify the tasks that aren’t working for you, you will in fact be able to limit the time you spend on them.
Vanderkam writes: “Everyone lives in his or her own little world,” thinking their deficits occupy more space than they do in everyone else’s minds. If you can shake off these delusions, you might find yourself happier and freer to do the stuff that really matters to you.
